Invisapeeps 2.0

Desdenova · Motherhood: Sleep is for the weak!!

Would you let them sleep together?

OpheliaDev1 · Guru

Yes, I would. However, if somebody chose not to, I also don't see a problem with that. I don't see having a rule that unmarried adults can't sleep together is unfair or unreasonable - it's just not a rule that I would personally bother to enforce.

My reasoning is the same as yours - they are adults in a committed relationship. Now, I wouldn't let unmarrieds under the age of 20 share a bed, and I wouldn't let even a 25+ adult bring home a ONS or a "flavor of the month" and share a bed at my house.

Desdenova · Motherhood: Sleep is for the weak!!

OpheliaDev1 wrote:
Yes, I would. However, if somebody chose not to, I also don't see a problem with that. I don't see having a rule that unmarried adults can't sleep together is unfair or unreasonable - it's just not a rule that I would personally bother to enforce.

My reasoning is the same as yours - they are adults in a committed relationship. Now, I wouldn't let unmarrieds under the age of 20 share a bed, and I wouldn't let even a 25+ adult bring home a ONS or a "flavor of the month" and share a bed at my house.

Oh I agree!

Their house their rules, I think they were expecting me to do the same as them.

Aardvark · But my mom says I'm cool!

I agree with both of you.

Evil Stepmother · Guru

I agree with all three of you. I'd let adult guests decide their own sleeping preferences.

Riding in the WY Wind · ~Ride Free~ ~ Live Free~ (M)

I agree with all I have seen here

OpheliaDev1 · Guru

We need to stop being agreeable. Somebody needs to post something offensive and ridiculous.

Aardvark · But my mom says I'm cool!

OpheliaDev1 wrote:
We need to stop being agreeable. Somebody needs to post something offensive and ridiculous.

I've failed as a minister's wife, haven't I?

Desdenova · Motherhood: Sleep is for the weak!!

Another thing that comes to mind is that it would be very hypocritical (sp?) of me, I slept with DH before we got married.

ETA. I'm not going to tell that to my parents, even though they might already know it, I think they prefer to think that I didn't lol

-- Edited by Desdenova on Tuesday 15th of April 2014 01:21:33 PM

OpheliaDev1 · Guru

Just in general, I don't think there's anything wrong with holding a stricter standard than you yourself adhered to. Firstly, I think it's always a good idea to teach kids a higher level of caution. That way, when they decide to take "risks" those risks are relatively safe. Whereas if a lower level of caution is the norm, then their risks are much riskier.

Here's an example: My mom was always VERY strict about fireworks and firework safety. As a child, you got to hold one sparkler at a time, you had a bucket of water at your feet and the kids kept our backs to each other, standing arm's length apart. So, for me, having 2 sparklers was a "risk". I felt no need to shoot fireworks at people or cars. I could "break the rules" with 2 sparklers.

Secondly, just because you did stuff when you were young doesn't mean that you have to let your kids do it. Maybe you regret the stuff you did, or maybe you don't regret it, but you saw other people do similar things and regret them or be hurt by them.

RichardInTN · I believe in I.D.I.C.

Aardvark wrote:
OpheliaDev1 wrote:
We need to stop being agreeable. Somebody needs to post something offensive and ridiculous.
I've failed as a minister's wife, haven't I?

Nope! A minister's wife would know that it's not our place to judge. She would also know that there's a difference between "showing how The Bible teaches us to live", and "forcing The Bible's precepts/commandments on others".

Now... to my answer on the question: I'd let them sleep together. Wouldn't bother me one bit. The fact that it's "long term" is immaterial to that answer too. My feeling is as long as everyone involved are adults, they are allowed to make adult decisions (that includes sleeping {ETA: and I mean BOTH real unconsciousness sleep... and/or having sex} with someone... or not).

ETA: I should add though, that while I wouldn't have an issue with the "non-family person" sleeping (or "sleeping") with the "family member"... depending on how well I knew them might affect whether or not they could remain in the house if the "family member" that brought them had to leave (for whatever reason). Example:

"Flavor of the month"? Umm... not staying in the house by his/herself. It's your "flavor of the month"... not mine.
Been dating a while and I know them? No issues on them being there, as long as SOMEONE that's family is there (not cool to leave them alone in the house though).

-- Edited by RichardInTN on Tuesday 15th of April 2014 08:50:16 PM

Balloon Animal · Guru

I would let them sleep together. They are not teenagers they are in their 20s and they are in a committed relationship. So yeah, I don't have a problem with it. They can have sex anytime they want so it is not like you are preventing anything.

Desdenova · Motherhood: Sleep is for the weak!!

I'm back after the visit and it went very very well.

The girl is very nice, and a little hyper for my taste, but I'm a 30 something yo with a toddler I appreciate my sleep and my down time lol. They had a great time and were very respectful, I don't think I even saw then holding hands in the house.

They slept in the same sofa bed, and no one said anything about it, at least not yet :P

Balloon Animal · Guru

I am the type that I don't want to be a hypocrite so I think I would have a hard time putting stricter standards on my kids than were put on me within reason. I was allowed to have boys sleep over in the same bed once I was college aged or when we took my boyfriends on vacations we often slept in the same hotel bed with my Dad in the same room. So I would allow my kids to do the same if they were a good well behaved responsible young adult like I was.

Forty-two · Guru

Ok I guess I have to be the outlier, my answer would be no. I am very conservative.

OpheliaDev1 · Guru

42 - that's fine with me. You get to set the rules in your home, and there's nothing wrong with that.

RichardInTN · I believe in I.D.I.C.

Forty-two wrote:
Ok I guess I have to be the outlier, my answer would be no. I am very conservative.

Nothing wrong with that. I'm a firm believer in the practice of "My home, My rules".

Heck, when The Wife and I were still dating (but living together), there were different rules at different parents homes when we visited. At my Mother's house, we slept in the same room, and even shared (both of us, at the same time) the HUGE master shower with my Mother's blessing. At my Father's house however, The Wife (at the time, girlfriend) got the guest room, and I got the futon in the office (ETA: we didn't even DREAM about asking his permission to borrow HIS huge master shower).

-- Edited by RichardInTN on Friday 25th of April 2014 11:11:36 PM

Forty-two · Guru

I remember when I was dating DXH and we were staying at his mom's hose and she assumed we would sleep in the same room there was no way I was comfortable with that even when engaged.

Aardvark · But my mom says I'm cool!

Forty-two wrote:
Ok I guess I have to be the outlier, my answer would be no. I am very conservative.

If I were your guest and you put me and PM in separate bedrooms (unmarried, of course!) it wouldn't bother me.

genie · Veteran Member

I honestly wouldn't occur to me that they wouldn't be sleeping in the same room, and if they expressed a preference for separate rooms I'd be scrambling. Long term cohabitation is the norm in our social circle, and whether or not a particular couple has married doesn't hit my radar at all.

Of course, I'm also the mom who'll be concerned if my girls marry without cohabitating first. :)

Forty-two · Guru

Genie,
I don't know anyone who lived together before marriage or anyone who is cohabiting now.

genie · Veteran Member

It's very common up here. I don't think I can think of a married couple I know IRL who didn't cohabitate first. We have very liberal common law rules, and most companies recognize common law partners for benefits, etc. so marriage seems like a bit of a formality...

Balloon Animal · Guru

I did not cohabitate first. I know many people who did not as well. I also know many people that did live together before marriage. So I think its about 50/50 up here.

The worst is some inlaws or parents won't let the married partners sleep together in their house. I have heard stories about that.

genie · Veteran Member

I know people are absolutely within their rights to set up the sleeping arrangements for their guests, but I would have felt absolutely unwelcome and judged if DH and I had been sent to separate rooms after we'd been living together as a couple, owned a home, etc. We'd probably find a reason to stay in a hotel or at another friend's house instead in order to avoid the situation.

I assume the cohabitation levels are related to religiosity. We're a bunch of heathens up here.

Balloon Animal · Guru

I agree that if someone has been living together over a year and you know, had kids together, bought a house together, etc just because they don't have a marriage certificate it is still pretty insulting to not allow them to sleep together in the same room. I would never do that to someone.

ana · Senior Member

I don't tell adults what to do. Whether it was short-term or a long-term gf, I wouldn't care.

Forty-two · Guru

Balloon Animal wrote:
I agree that if someone has been living together over a year and you know, had kids together, bought a house together, etc just because they don't have a marriage certificate it is still pretty insulting to not allow them to sleep together in the same room. I would never do that to someone.

Good point yet I don't know anyone like this.

Desdenova · Motherhood: Sleep is for the weak!!

Forty-two wrote:
Ok I guess I have to be the outlier, my answer would be no. I am very conservative.

I totally understand that, my parents felt the same way.

In a way I think they were expecting me being as conservative as them, we are not and they didn't saw that coming, we don't talk about that kind of thing.

Although they raised me in a conservative way, once I grew up and got to know other points of view I know that I don't agree with some of their points of view, but never told them as much.

OpheliaDev1 · Guru

Forty-two wrote:
Balloon Animal wrote:
I agree that if someone has been living together over a year and you know, had kids together, bought a house together, etc just because they don't have a marriage certificate it is still pretty insulting to not allow them to sleep together in the same room. I would never do that to someone.
Good point yet I don't know anyone like this.

I kind of think that at that point, it would be very difficult for a friendship between people with such polar opposite views to survive. Maybe you could get away with just not inviting them to spend the night in your home, but I think that if an unmarried couple considers themselves "as good as married" and you don't, it would be hard for mutual respect and thus a friendship to survive.

Balloon Animal · Guru

I agree Ophelia. I would think with friends it would probably be accepted and you would be more likely to run into this issue with like family.

genie · Veteran Member

OpheliaDev1 wrote:
Forty-two wrote:
Balloon Animal wrote:
I agree that if someone has been living together over a year and you know, had kids together, bought a house together, etc just because they don't have a marriage certificate it is still pretty insulting to not allow them to sleep together in the same room. I would never do that to someone.
Good point yet I don't know anyone like this.
I kind of think that at that point, it would be very difficult for a friendship between people with such polar opposite views to survive. Maybe you could get away with just not inviting them to spend the night in your home, but I think that if an unmarried couple considers themselves "as good as married" and you don't, it would be hard for mutual respect and thus a friendship to survive.

I agree. I think a great friendship can survive if you can avoid talking about the issue, or discuss it in the hypothetical, but once you bring it down to a personal level, it's a challenging to maintain the friendship.

We have a similar issue with some good friends who are gun owners. We visited their home city and stayed at their home. We plan to visit with our kids in the next couple years, and we'll be trying to make excuses to stay in a hotel, as I'm not comfortable with my kids staying in a home with guns. There's no way to bring that up without potentially insulting them, kwim? So we'll either avoid the visit all together, or hope they don't question too much why we want to stay in a hotel

Forty-two · Guru

Oooh Genie that is a very interesting example. I have to say I would do the same thing but I would not make up and excuse I would tell them straight out. That doesn't seem offensive now if you had a homosexual couple friends and you did not want your kids to sleep over that I would think would be offensive if you told them, that is one I would keep to myself.

RichardInTN · I believe in I.D.I.C.

Having an issue with someone having guns in their home, I wouldn't keep secret. Kids and guns usually don't mix well, and that's a legitimate/valid safety concern.

Legitimate safety concerns are quite different than "I think they are sinning" (which is the argument most often used against co-habitation without benefit of a marriage license).

genie · Veteran Member

Forty-two wrote:
Oooh Genie that is a very interesting example. I have to say I would do the same thing but I would not make up and excuse I would tell them straight out. That doesn't seem offensive now if you had a homosexual couple friends and you did not want your kids to sleep over that I would think would be offensive if you told them, that is one I would keep to myself.

Well, they have a small (1 year old) son, so our thoughts definitely have a 'judging your parenting' potential. I know they judge us for not keeping firearms in our house, but I think they chalk it up to the stricter gun laws up here. I'm just glad the border guards won't let them carry them across the border... saves me a challenging discussion.

I'd have no issues with the homosexual conversation. My daughter was really confused for a bit when we explained that her male preschool teacher had a boyfriend, not a girlfriend. Her Sven and Prince Charming dolls were a couple when she was playing the other day, so I assume she's over it.

Balloon Animal · Guru

I would think with the gun issue you can just say "I have no problem with you owning guns personally, but I really just worry about having my children near guns so I would prefer that we stay in a hotel. No judgement toward you just my own personal issue about it."

I am okay with someone being different than me as long as they make it clear they are not judging or looking down on my personal decisions.

Balloon Animal · Guru

I am loving the Prince Charming and Sven dolls going out!!! LOL! Made my day. That is too cute.