Invisapeeps 2.0

dqm either · Don't Quote Me

we were posting at the same time.

OHWaitress · Veteran Member

I gotta Gripe somewhere!

OHWaitress · Veteran Member

Can ya tell I really don't want to drive out there or what LOL. OMG. I REALLY HATE DRIVING. I have road rage from the passenger seat. And I would have to leave on a Friday and drive during rush hour in order to get there and back in time for work because I can't miss work!

dqm either · Don't Quote Me

Is she unable to drive?

When people call you a bitch be proud. That just means that you're not letting them dictate your life.

kapper · I am always right, unless I am wrong.

Her choices in life do not allow her to call you a bitch while asking for help. How is she going to work if she moves in with you? She is using guilt to make you do want she wants and it is hard to resist.

OHWaitress · Veteran Member

She can drive, I think. I don't know if she has a license. She doesn't have a vehicle and is too young to rent a car. I think you have to be 25.

Oh and she didn't call me a bitch...that was my DH saying I was being "a lot bitchy" which is his way of saying it without getting knocked out *LOL* about helping her out. You know, insisting she man up and just fly rather than coddling her and telling her it's OK. You don't have to fly on a big scary airplane let mommy come and get you snookums...

kapper · I am always right, unless I am wrong.

IVY. Sometimes kids are a pain in the @ss. There must be a bright side to this somewhere. Hopefully it will all go well.

OHWaitress · Veteran Member

Hadn't thought of a train! I will look into that tonight. She won't ride a bus- there is a lot this child seems to refuse to do. How they allowed it all these years is beyond me. That's why I'm insisting that if she won't budge and I'm going to do this she has to foot every bit of the bill. You have to pay to be that picky IMO.

She's 23- has a 2 almost 3 month old.

I'm off work now and leaving so I will be back in the morning!

Evil Stepmother · Guru

A train ticket is a good idea. I think she should pay for it. If she's moving in with you because she can't find a sitter, does that mean you will become the babysitter?

RichardInTN · I believe in I.D.I.C.

Bitch.... isn't that an acronym for something?

Beautiful Intoxicating Tramp Culottes Hoarder?
Blonde Inebriated Twit, Curiously Hungry?
Babe Ingesting Tasty Cheese Honey?
Babymaker Inoperable, Try Cheeks Hole?
Boobs Insensitive To Cold Hands?

*******
As to the majority of the OP...

I think it's fine to make an adult pay their own way... especially if you are doing them a favor by making the long ass drive to get them.

Bessie S · Senior Member

Wouldn't it be cheaper to look harder for a sitter?

alice underground · Guru

She should pay for the move. I second the train idea, I don't think you should have to drive to get her and bring her back. Another option would be for you to fly out, rent a truck and drive back. Of course she should foot the bill.

dqm either · Don't Quote Me

I like this idea.

dqm either · Don't Quote Me

RE: I gotta Gripe somewhere!

justKansas · Newbie

Let's think about what the particulars are here.

She lives 18 - 20 hours from you.

She wants to come live with you because she can't find a sitter for the little one and life is hard being a single mom.

She wants you to come get her.

She doesn't want to pay for any of the expenses of the move.

Now let's think about the "hidden costs" of this relocation.

Does she have a job lined up back home where you are? I wouldn't go get her until she had nailed down both a job AND had made daycare arrangements for the little one. Because until those two issues are resolved, YOU'RE going to be supporting both of them and providing free daycare anytime she wants/needs it.

SHE needs to get over herself and suck it up and get on with being an adult.

But then that's just me, and I'm known for being a bitch sometimes.

-- Edited by justKansas on Thursday 21st of June 2012 11:46:48 AM

OHWaitress · Veteran Member

Evil Stepmother wrote:
Mollys Mom wrote:
I wouldn't do any of it and if my DH accused me of being bitchy I'd let him know what bitchy is.

This is his child asking you to do everything and whining about it. No, No, a thousand times NO!

She can grow up and put the child in daycare just as other singe moms do.

Molly's Mom
OHWaitress did say that she loves her stepdaughter and grandchild. She wants to help them out, but what the SD is proposing is a bit pricy in terms of time, effort and cash.
If SD does take the train and you talk her into not bringing the big items, maybe she could send her clothes and things via UPS cheapest service so she doesn't have to wrangle the baby and several suitcases on the train.

Looks like Amtrak doesn't go anywhere near where she is so no train... she got paid today and is sending out 7 boxes via UPS ground today. Still undecided on the rest on my part, as to how she's coming but she is coming. While I don't like the choices she has made I don't want little Aiden to suffer for them.

She is a good girl overall, and hard working. Doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't steal or lie. She's just stubborn in some ways and clueless in others. We find out about her job transfer on Tuesday but if that doesn't work as a CNA she can surely find work here from what the employment ads show they are in demand so that is good.

ETA: I'm considering the other options now based on what I'm willing to do...I am torn between just going and getting her on her dime and losing the shifts or forcing her to ride the bus. I'm a little uneasy about the bus myself...it's only 11 hours though. I'm sure ultimately she would be fine depending on how shady the stops are...I'm uneasy because of my own experience, I was mugged at the greyhound terminal in Memphis.

-- Edited by OHWaitress on Thursday 21st of June 2012 01:33:58 PM

Family Gal · Veteran Member

I realize I'm new here and don't know the background here, but doesn't SD mean "step daughter"? Why isn't your husband getting involved in this? And why doesn't he have his own car? And why are you so afraid of him driving your 11 year old truck? Is he that bad of a driver? Was he a bad driver when you married him?

I'm sorry, but it sounds like you have more problems at home that just trying to figure out how to retrieve your SD and her son.

Mary Zombie · Your brains...they're delicious.

I think she can figure out how to get there if it's that important to her. Though i would not have agreed to it in the first place. I would not do anything. You can say no when people ask something unreasonable of you.

EmmDee · Guru

OH Waitress, honestly, I would wash my hands of this stress if I were you. You work your ass off at two jobs, why should this be your concern. I know your DH can not do everything either so I think I would tell SD, if you want to come live here, you figure out how to get here as I am unable to assist you. You need your sanity too. *hugs*

no imagination · Veteran Member

How about your DH flies out there, he rents a truck/van (since she isn't old enough) and him and her drive it back (mostly her).

And you pick up the beverage of your choice and enjoy a couple of DH and kid free days.

WIN!

OHWaitress · Veteran Member

Trying to reply to all at once

Evil Stepmother- No I won’t be the babysitter very often unless I am off work.. I work a lot so it won’t be often. She has put in a transfer with her job as a CNA that has several different locations in our town. She plans to work what is called the Baylor shift, basically 30+ hours over 2 days and they get the other 5 days off. My DH can babysit his grandson on those 2 days.

Richard – LOL

Bessie S- I would think so too, but as of this far she hasn’t paid for a sitter at all. SD is the queen of master plans...and they usually fail. The master plan was Her roommate and she would trade sitting with each others kids. Roommate had some sort of breakdown at work and had to see a psych and her psych told her to tell SD that it would be in her(SD) best interest not to allow roommate to babysit her baby anymore. I think it freaked her out a bit and she doesn’t want to put the baby into daycare when her Daddy will watch him. She doesn't have a car, her job is 1 block over so she walks to work. She says it's too hard for her to put a baby in daycare because daycare costs too much and she doesn't have a way to get him to and from daycare. It's a small town, there are no buses so I kinda see her point. But she planned to have a kid with this babysitting idea as daycare and that makes me crazy due to the lack of logic involved. She honestly believed she had it all covered and planned and set out and had a baby on purpose without considering how easy it would be for it all to fall apart.

Alice Underground- That’s a good idea too, we are looking into a train ticket and having her ship things via ground and if not that is a good idea. I keep telling her though that for the cost of a truck she can replace her bed and crib and other baby items…that’s all she has besides clothing. She doesn't need a bed at our house, she will be in the guestroom which is fully fitted. We even have a portable crib. Baby swings and changing tables can be replaced.

Dqm either- your vote change has been noted!

Family Gal- Yes it means step daughter in my case at least. Husband is involved in it but she called and asked me because I am the one who has to take off work and he I'm sure told her she’d have to ask me to move in. I don’t know how to say “I’m 100% in charge of my home and it is not a democracy” without it coming off badly LOL. They (his kids) are welcome to live with us but there are house rules and I don’t care how old you are you can follow them or you can live somewhere else.
My husband is currently disabled from a major illness so he doesn’t work and hasn’t for a few years now. He is pending disability so right now I am supporting him and our home financially in every way. He doesn’t have his own car because I can’t afford to buy him his own car.

I am afraid of him driving my truck because I am protective of my only means of transportation to and from my jobs. He has wracked up a few speeding tickets but his driving record is OK. It just makes me nervous. That truck is my only way to and from work- I can’t get to work I can’t support him or my household.

Mary and EmmDee – that is the point I am telling DH. Why is this my or his responsibility? I am pretty sure we are looking at having her take the train. My budget is tight. I would have to miss at minimum 3 work shifts to go do this not to mention little extras that always come up. DH needs a tooth fixed-So that means a Doctor visit to get permission for him to be put under anesthesia as the Dentist won’t touch him without medical clearance and the root canal and the crown will run $1250 I have to come up with that money and missing 3 shifts isn’t going to make that bill any easier to choke down.

Thanks all for your help!

OHWaitress · Veteran Member

No imagination- you posted while I was writing that book! That is one of our plans I pushed for. She actually said she'd rather it was me coming for her so we can make it a girls weekend- I didn't know what to say to that LOL because in my opinion, this really wouldn't be a fun trip. Girls weekends are for manicures. massages, hot cabana boys and vodka not sweating it out in a stinkin u-haul!

Family Gal · Veteran Member

Thanks, OH. I get it.

There are U-Hauls with A/C, OH. It could be a fun trip. Ever see Thelma & Louise? Minus the ending, of course.

Mary Zombie · Your brains...they're delicious.

I think You might have to just take a hard line and say no...it's her problem to solve and let the chips fall. If your husband wants to go get her then he can.

The solution doesn't neccesarily have to be she moves in with you does it? Plenty of single parents have baby sitter issues and manage to sort it out...

JMO

Mary Zombie · Your brains...they're delicious.

I just saw your husband is disabled. I'm sorry, I would tell her either she flies, takes a train or she's SOL then.
For real

OHWaitress · Veteran Member

Family Gal wrote:
Thanks, OH. I get it.

There are U-Hauls with A/C, OH. It could be a fun trip. Ever see Thelma & Louise? Minus the ending, of course.

LOL depending on the level of screaming a 2mo who hates car seats might do it's not unlikely!

I joke! I joke!

OHWaitress · Veteran Member

Mary Zombie wrote:
I just saw your husband is disabled. I'm sorry, I would tell her either she flies, takes a train or she's SOL then.
For real

I'm glad others agree with me on this stance...as it is mine as well. I just wanted to see if I really was being unreasonable hard ass. I tend to not bend very well. I do love this child, I just don't believe in coddling and to me, going and getting her is coddling. She's adult enough to be a mother, she can suck it up and fly! It's $257 bucks vs her paying close to $600.

Mary Zombie · Your brains...they're delicious.

OHWaitress wrote:
Mary Zombie wrote:
I just saw your husband is disabled. I'm sorry, I would tell her either she flies, takes a train or she's SOL then.
For real
I'm glad others agree with me on this stance...as it is mine as well. I just wanted to see if I really was being unreasonable hard ass. I tend to not bend very well. I do love this child, I just don't believe in coddling and to me, going and getting her is coddling. She's adult enough to be a mother, she can suck it up and fly! It's $257 bucks vs her paying close to $600.

You're not being too hard at all. When my parents ever helped me it was always on their terms...take it or leave it. As it should be. You're good!

Family Gal · Veteran Member

Well, I'm not sure I would want her driving 18-20 hours alone with a 2 month old.

EmmDee · Guru

Family Gal wrote:
Well, I'm not sure I would want her driving 18-20 hours alone with a 2 month old.

That would be SD's choice as there are other modes of transportation, she is choosing to not use one of them.

OhW, you are not being unreasonable at all. Stand your ground on this one, you don't have the time and it would make your life more difficult to miss the work shifts.

OHWaitress · Veteran Member

Family Gal wrote:
Well, I'm not sure I would want her driving 18-20 hours alone with a 2 month old.

I wouldn't want that either but she can fly which honestly is what I want. It's barely over an hour flight and we'd be there at the terminal to pick her up. Easy peasy except she is "deathy afraid to fly". I could see that if it were a long flight but she was also "deathy afraid of needles" and had a kid- c-section, spinal block and all. She survided that deathly afraid she should at least try to fly. That would be the easiest, IMO.

Mollys Mom · Member

I wouldn't do any of it and if my DH accused me of being bitchy I'd let him know what bitchy is.

This is his child asking you to do everything and whining about it. No, No, a thousand times NO!

She can grow up and put the child in daycare just as other singe moms do.

Molly's Mom

OHWaitress · Veteran Member

justKansas wrote:
Let's think about what the particulars are here.

She lives 18 - 20 hours from you.

She wants to come live with you because she can't find a sitter for the little one and life is hard being a single mom.

She wants you to come get her.

She doesn't want to pay for any of the expenses of the move.

Now let's think about the "hidden costs" of this relocation.

Does she have a job lined up back home where you are? I wouldn't go get her until she had nailed down both a job AND had made daycare arrangements for the little one. Because until those two issues are resolved, YOU'RE going to be supporting both of them and providing free daycare anytime she wants/needs it.

SHE needs to get over herself and suck it up and get on with being an adult.

But then that's just me, and I'm known for being a bitch sometimes.

-- Edited by justKansas on Thursday 21st of June 2012 11:46:48 AM

I'm known for it too LOL so there ya go!

She will know about her job transfer by next Tuesday she knows she needs a job- the child is on a special formula that is $25 a can plus the other baby expenses.

I told her she'd have to pay for the trip and she didn't bat an eye at that now...she wants to come bad enough to pay whatever she can pay and she called me to let me know when she gets paid she will put money in my account to cover the gas. I may suck it up and pay for part of a rental, I checked out AVIS and I can rent something for the time for under a hundred bucks...DH says can we maybe can call it her birthday gift as that is the per child limit anyway... Ugh. I dunno. I may be softening, she put the baby on the phone to me and said "Talk to gramma" and damnit, and he cooed.

Lady Paint · Horse Junky. Dog Flunky.

She decided to become a single mom and is now discovering how "hard" it is?

I would be a lot bitchier than you are being because there is no way in hell I would let her move back in.

She needs to figure out how to live the life she has chosen and not expect to fall back on you when things get a little touch.

But then I am just a bitch that way.

Evil Stepmother · Guru

Mollys Mom wrote:
I wouldn't do any of it and if my DH accused me of being bitchy I'd let him know what bitchy is.

This is his child asking you to do everything and whining about it. No, No, a thousand times NO!

She can grow up and put the child in daycare just as other singe moms do.

Molly's Mom

OHWaitress did say that she loves her stepdaughter and grandchild. She wants to help them out, but what the SD is proposing is a bit pricy in terms of time, effort and cash.

If SD does take the train and you talk her into not bringing the big items, maybe she could send her clothes and things via UPS cheapest service so she doesn't have to wrangle the baby and several suitcases on the train.

Mary Zombie · Your brains...they're delicious.

Plenty of people drive long distances with an infant because they have no other choice and no one to help them and while its not ideal, they live through it. She will be ok. Let her figure out how to get herself there.

Or you could suggest she buck up and get daycare and figure it out like an adult. But i'm a Bit.ch that way too.

EmmDee · Guru

When it comes time to pay the upcoming bills you know you are soon to occur, will you feel a bit of resentment for the lost shifts that you going up there would cause? If you think there is the tiniest chance you will resent her for it, don't do it. You will have enough to deal with her moving in and don't need to start on the wrong foot.

Bessie S · Senior Member

She needs to figure out how to get there. Lots of mothers with babies travel by bus. If she's at a shady stop she can tell the driver she's scared and he or she will escort her inside and let staff know.

You're already struggling to finance your husband and yourself. The cost of the missed shifts and the expense of a roadtrip isn't something you should have to bear. Especially as your stepdaughter has options that she's choosing not to pursue.

OHWaitress · Veteran Member

Yeah you are both right. I amworking on the bus route now, actually on hold with Greyhound to see how many stops and where and I figure if she travels by day it will be safe enough. BIL has also stepped in to offer to drive down with DH if a rental car is chosen as the option (which was a HUGE surprise as he doesn't usually help anyone like that) so they may decide to make it a "thing".

dqm either · Don't Quote Me

How far is it?

Lady Marsali · Senior Member

RE: I gotta Gripe somewhere!

Mollys Mom · Member

Lady Marsali wrote:
You are obviously a nicer, kinder person than I am, 'cuz I wouldn't want a baby moving into my home. I would not be providing her free daycare, nor would I be paying any moving expenses or toting and lifting for her.

She's old enough to be a mother, she's old enough to figure this out on her own, without it costing you time, money -- both in expenses and lost income -- and effort.

I am 100% with Lady Marshall on this. I don't care how good a kid she is she is now an adult and needs to act like one.

Love does not = doormat. They are not in danger in any way so I do not understand this "rescue" mode.

Miss Molly

-- Edited by Mollys Mom on Saturday 23rd of June 2012 09:34:16 PM

dqm either · Don't Quote Me

That's what I would do.

dqm either · Don't Quote Me

RE: I gotta Gripe somewhere!