I went off the other night about a cousin of mine who was having some tough times lashed out on FB about people not helping her. It really hurt my feelings because I would have done whatever I could to help her if she'd only have asked. I said as much to her and she thanked me and explained her situation and told me there was nothing I really could have done. I felt better but now I'm just sick to my stomach.
Another cousin of ours just sent me an e-mail asking for money. She framed the request as needing the money to get her kids back.
Spoiler
Good morning cousin.Hope all is well w/ u & ur family.Im reaching out to u cousin cause Im in quite a dilemma!As u know my children were removed frm my home May 2007.L******* & S***,my two oldest girls, went to school & lied sayn I was beatn them.It was all a lie!Me & my husband lost everything.Since then my husband & myself have gained er'thng we lost. Except our 4 babies.We have a four bdroom 3ba home & have the opportunity to regain custody of our children.In March whn L*****'s (our mutual cousin) son passed away my income left w/ him cause I was his caretaker.Since then me & my husband have been struggling to keep our house. My landlord has threaten to evict us & next mo. on da 3rd of Sept our children are scheduled to visit.(we havent seen em physically since Dec of 08).With that said Im reachimg out to all family to ask for help.I hate askin for money but Im in desperate need of $XXX.My husband is disabled.He gets SSI but $XXX.00 wont pay $X,XXX.Plus utilities.next month I start wrk for a seasonal job.I'll be bringing in $X,XXX.00 a month. & if you could help in any kind of way I will greatly appreciate it. I can start paying u back next month starting w/ $XX.00. & da following month more because I'll get my first pay check by then. Can call me @111-222-3333 & let me know yea or nea. It is a rareity that I ask anyone 4 anythng but I am desperate. I'll even sign an "I owe u" i love u cousin. I hope & pray that you can help me. Im afraid. If we cant keep da house we wont get our children back.
My response:
Just got your message. Talking it over with my husband then taking it to prayer.
Spoiler
Okay. Me & my husband have come such a long way. I dnt want to disappoint my children, who are on da verge of cmin home.& i dnt want to lose my big beautiful house or go bacc to being homeless on da streets. When our children were removed we were homeless & no one would let us stay with them. I was pregnant & we had 2 live under a bridge! This is my lively hood. Its all I got. We will be prayn as well. Thank for even considering it!
There ara a crap TON of things wrong with this second letter that she sent me and I need to vent this somewhere. But first. My response to her
Cousin, we have discussed it and the situation is, that we are not in a position to make personal loans. My only income is from rentals and that means I am in the same situation as your landlord. It takes three months for an eviction. If you will have $X,XXX next month from your husband's check and your job you will have more money than me. My husband only makes $X,XXX/mo so lending money is not something that we can do. There are other ways that I can help. I can talk to your social worker or your landlord. I'm a CASA volunteer with the courts in my county so I'm good at talking to people like that and figuring out what services it takes to get the kids back to their families. Getting the kids out of foster care and into a permanent home is the main goal of the courts.
Ok that's what I told her and that's what I'm willing to do. Talk to someone on her behalf, find out what services her kids need and help her figure out a way to keep her house. This situation is tragic. I don't know if she "beat" her oldest two daughters or not but I have no doubt that she hit them because that's how we were raised and my cousin has a temper. Plus at an early age she was addicted to drugs and ended up in a mental institution. Those first two girls are the age of my oldest two and she barely had a hand in raising them. They're grown and gone and they have no relationship with their mother.
The next four ---where's the broken heart symbol?--- While my cousin was in the mental institution she got pregnant. That was NOT supposed to happen. She could have sued the hospital but instead they released her. They released the father as well and the two of them got married and had three more babies.
At one point they had all four of their kids and were living in a house that her brother had inherited from their father. It was a large home and he had his daughter living there with her child and his sister living there with her husband and children.
I don't know why but my cousin's (her brother) grandson died. CPS came in and took ALL the children out of that house.
Now in this letter she says to me
In March whn L*****'s (our mutual cousin) son passed away my income left w/ him cause I was his caretaker.
I remember when our family lost this baby. I hadn't even met him but I remember thinking what a tragedy this was. Now in this letter asking me for money I find out that she was living in the same house as two babies that died?! And what the eff does THIS mean?
This is my lively hood. Its all I got.
I realize that my sadness and anger could be misconstruing what she said but did she just ask me to help her to get her kids back because they're her LIVELYHOOD?!! I know I have problems and I don't read things the same way other people do so please Please PLEASE tell me she didn't just say what I think she said!
Obviously I won't be discussing this with anyone so you all are the lucky recipients of my spewing. Aren't you lucky.
-- Edited by dqm either on Wednesday 8th of August 2012 05:54:52 AM
I don't have any advice but to say you are a better cousin than I am. I don't know your cousin but I did have a sister who sounds very much like her. I did all I could to help her but she wouldn't help herself. Fortunately my mother was able to take in her girls but she just went downhill no matter what we did. I am very glad those kids have you on there side though!
__________________
Make up your mind to be happy and happiness usually comes your way.
To be honest, dqm, the "This is my livelihood" did sound like she meant the kids. However, considering how disjointed the whole thing is, she could have meant an entirely different word or phrase, like her children are her whole life or something.
There are so many red flags in both letters that I wouldn't help her get her kids back without a lot of investigating. No one loses their children on a whim, and 4-5 years is a long time to not get them back if it was all lies.
I agree with Winds. Everything about this just seems very wrong. I could not in good conscious help get those kids back to her. Maybe she has made a lot of progress but without having seen the change for myself I couldn't take the chance. Like Winds said, 4-5 years is a LONG time for the courts to keep children from their parents. They found something or they would have sent the children back within a couple weeks-months. I also think it says a lot that her oldest 2 have NO relationship with her. I am sorry you were put in this position dqm, but I think you are doing the right thing..
To be honest, dqm, the "This is my livelihood" did sound like she meant the kids. However, considering how disjointed the whole thing is, she could have meant an entirely different word or phrase, like her children are her whole life or something.
There are so many red flags in both letters that I wouldn't help her get her kids back without a lot of investigating. No one loses their children on a whim, and 4-5 years is a long time to not get them back if it was all lies.
I'm sorry to say it but It looks like it may be better for the children for your cousin to NOT get them back at this juncture.
The part about her "Big Beautiful House" also bugs me a little. The first thought that came into my head was perhaps downscaling to a smaller more modest and affordable home might be a good idea if you're in danger of being evicted. KWIM?
I would stay far far away from that hot mess for sure!
This is my first time being short of rent. I'VE BEEN IN THIS HOUSE FOR THREE YRS! But apparently he cant wait! He's started the eviction process today. Maybe I should just save da money I do have. Can u tell me how long it may take before me & my husbands name reach a Credit Bureau? That way we can take the seven we have & get us an apartment hopefully. Well anyway I appreciate your time & consideration! God Bless u I love you & pls keep us in your prayers!!!!!!! I know God has a plan for me. So to Him I will remain faithful. No matter what trials & tribulation that may come our way. Again thank u.......
Mary, I was thinking the same thing! I live in the smallest cheapest home that I own. My house is so small that I can't even entertain here. It baffles me that she'd live in a 4bdrm 3bath house for THREE YRS! when she hasn't even seen her kids since '08.
I've lived in 3 bdrm 2 bath homes for the past 13 years while raising my family. We started out in a 2/1 and we made do.
She never had all 6 of her children at one time. So it's not like I'm being unmindful of her housing needs. The oldest two were tween-teen years when she was in the institution. By the time she got out I think they were perhaps 13 and 14 when the first of their younger half siblings were born. So it's not like she ever had 6 children to care for at once. From what she says above that she was pregnant and living on the streets it sounds like I was mistaken about her having even 4 of her children all at once.
This sort of thing makes my heart hurt. Here I am working on cases to help other families and my own family is a freaking MESS.
If it was just her and her husband I think they would have been better off in a 1 bed 1 bath while they saved money and worked to get the kids back. This child situation sounds like something that happens to her often. It seems that her kids are in and out of her life a lot. I feel bad for them, they are probably happier now. It might be a little scary being away from family, but living in a stable environment without the fear of being beaten is bound to make life easier. I also can't help but notice she didn't take you up on your offer to speak to someone on her behalf.
I think you've done all you can do dqm and you're a good person to care so much about this. I have a feeling that your cousin may be her worst own worst enemy. There's not much you can do but point her to the resources and hopep she will realize she needs to get out of her own way. KWIM? Hang in there!
I realize that in my first post I inadvertently left my cousin's phone number in the post. I didn't do that on pupose, I was crying as I wrote this plus it was very late. When I went to edit the names out I forgot about the phone number. I regret that mistake and hope it doesn't look like I was trying to get people to turn on my cousin by handing out her personal info.
The reason I chose the screen name "dont quote me" is because I use this site as an emotional depository. Sometimes I say things here that I can't or won't say anywhere else. I have a couple of online friends who are also fb friends and it's possible that there might be some overlap. I hope that my venting is taken for what it is.
I love my cousin even though her situation breaks my heart. I would never intentionally do anything to harm her or any of my little 2nd cousins.
