An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators." Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."
Here's the first joke my nephew ever told me. I think he was about 4 year old:
A duck walks into a hardware store and he asks the man "do you got any gwapes?"
And the man says: 'No, this is a hardware store go away'
So the next day the duck goes back and asks the man "do you got any gwapes?"
And the man says: 'No, I told you yesterday we don't sell grapes now get out of here. If you come back in here asking me for grapes again I'm going to staple your webbed feet to the floor'
So the next day the duck goes back and ask the man "do you got any stwaples?"
And the man says: Staples are right this way follow me please. But when they get there the staple bin is empty so he says 'I'm sorry, we're all out of staples is there anything else I can help you find?'
I saw this one on the Friday lol thread on zeta. It made me laugh so I brought it over here.
The Panties Of Yeast Resistance Retail | Washington, USA | Rude & Risque
(I am the lead in the lingerie department. After watching me for 15 minutes, a middle-aged man approaches me as I’m folding underwear. Note that this customer has bothered other female workers and is clearly a panty fetishist.)
Customer: “So, I’m buying some panties for my teenage daughter. Are these something that she would like?” *hands me a satin thong*
Me: “It depends on your daughter, but the pattern on them is nice.”
Customer: “But, will she like them? You’re about the same age. Do you wear panties like these? You said that they were nice. Do you own a pair of these panties?”
(I’ve worked in lingerie for awhile now and know what this customer is up to.)
Me: “Oh no, sir. Thongs are very bad for vaginal health. They help bacteria move from the anus to the vulva area and can cause urinary tract infections. Plus, cotton underwear really are the best, as satin doesn’t breathe properly and can lead to yeast infections.”
Customer: *stunned silence, turning red*
Me: *leads him to the “granny panty” section* “Really, these would be the best for your daughter. They’re the only underwear that I’ll wear! It’s best for her vaginal health. This four-pack is very economical. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Customer: *drops satin underwear and walks away very fast*
Me: “Have a great day!”
(My manager saw the exchange and gave me a high-five. The customer still bought underwear from us, but he never bothered another female worker again!)
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
When the last scene of Titanic faded to black and people began rushing for the exits, one patron shouted: "Quick! There are only enough cars in the parking lot for half of us!"
I was out walking with my then 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.
"Why?"
"Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
Uh, I was thinking quickly, "...all moms knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
OH...I get It!" she beamed, "So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."
For Show and Tell, all of the students had to bring in an item that represented their religion. The first little girl got up and said, "I'm Catholic, and this is a crucifix." A little boy got up next and said, "I'm Jewish and this is a Star of David." Another boy stood up and said, "I'm a Methodist, and this is a casserole."
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"I never understood why blessings wore disguises. If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked." - Sophia Petrillo
A man was talking to God, and asked him how long a million years was to Him. God replied, "A million years is but a second to me." Then the man asked Him, "God, how much is a billion dollars to you?" God answered, "My son, a billion dollars is but a penny." The man thought for a few minutes, then asked, "God, can I have a penny?" God replied, "Just a second."
__________________
"I never understood why blessings wore disguises. If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked." - Sophia Petrillo
For Show and Tell, all of the students had to bring in an item that represented their religion. The first little girl got up and said, "I'm Catholic, and this is a crucifix." A little boy got up next and said, "I'm Jewish and this is a Star of David." Another boy stood up and said, "I'm a Methodist, and this is a casserole."
For Show and Tell, all of the students had to bring in an item that represented their religion. The first little girl got up and said, "I'm Catholic, and this is a crucifix." A little boy got up next and said, "I'm Jewish and this is a Star of David." Another boy stood up and said, "I'm a Methodist, and this is a casserole."
I don't get it but it made me laugh anyway.
Methodists are known for their potlucks and casseroles. Someone dies? Make them a casserole. Someone has a baby or sugery? Make them a casserole. It's more of an inside joke, but it always makes me laugh.
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"I never understood why blessings wore disguises. If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked." - Sophia Petrillo
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