So, another little chapter in the Cousin and CS saga -
As I mentioned before, CS (Cousin's son, age 8.5), has ADD and is on meds that make him not hungry. He's lost a lot of weight since the summer and he's always been a slender child anyway.
Mom just confessed this to me this weekend.
Right after the Christmas debacle, Cousin was telling CS how he needed to gain at least 2 pounds. Mom pipes up with, "If you gain 2 pounds, I'll get you the Lego Ewok Village!"
This after CS had ruined Christmas, opened all of my nephew's presents and complained he didn't get "anything good" for Christmas.
Well, last week CS tells mom he's gained 2 pounds. So Mom finally confesses to me the promise she'd made.
I look it up. The Lego Ewok Village is $250. I died laughing. That's $125 a pound! That's almost $8 an ounce!
Mom keeps saying, "I wasn't thinking! It just slipped out!" She only thought it was like $100 (which still seems like an absurdly generous reward IMHO).
ahahaha, and it seems kind of a silly reward to give with an open time frame. Almost 3 months later, he could have grown in height enough for the 2 lb weight gain and actually he worse off for his height than before. $250?!?! Solidifying my stance on not wanting kids, their toys are way to expensive these days.
I told mom that after all the crap they'd put us through, that she should just "not remember" that. After all, Cousin "doesn't remember" all sorts of things and CS "doesn't remember" rules and instructions.
aww Your mom reminds me of me and my mom. There are times I slip out stuff like this with my own kids sometimes. I don't stop and think how expensive it might be or find out later it cost more than I thought it would, but since I already agreed and said it, I have to follow through or be a liar.
My mom does this too a lot. So it happens even if you don't mean to. But, yeah Lego sets are freaking expensive as heck! And they create nightmares if you have kids that can't figure out how to do them on their own and then freak out if they mess them up or lose a piece. I try to steer away from the sets and just get them to free play with random legos instead.
So mom bought him a different Star Wars Lego thing - only $100! (eye roll)
Heard yesterday morning:
Cousin: Eat your Poptart.
CS: You have too many words in your mouth. Stop talking.
Cousin: You don't have enough food in your mouth. Eat your breakfast.
CS: I don't like strawberry poptarts.
Cousin: Then why did you say you liked them when i bought them?
CS: I only like them when I choose them to eat. How would you like it if your mom or dad MADE you eat Poptarts?
So mom bought him a different Star Wars Lego thing - only $100! (eye roll)
Heard yesterday morning:
Cousin: Eat your Poptart. CS: You have too many words in your mouth. Stop talking. Cousin: You don't have enough food in your mouth. Eat your breakfast. CS: I don't like strawberry poptarts. Cousin: Then why did you say you liked them when i bought them? CS: I only like them when I choose them to eat. How would you like it if your mom or dad MADE you eat Poptarts?
Wow, this kid really has his mother's number, doesn't he. And, as much as I abhor physical violence on a child, I'd be very tempted to take the Pop Tart and smash it on his face.
-- Edited by iluvsuomi1989 on Wednesday 12th of March 2014 01:39:27 PM
He was pulling this same sort of crap when he was 4. She didn't handle it then, so now she's got an 8.5 year old who has been turning mealtime into a power struggle for as long as he can remember.
it sucks because while you can not let him be rude to you, if someone really has no appetite that is not really their fault. And you can't make them magically have one. So I guess I would try to just get some kind of deal with him like he eats three bites per meal at least and can't get up till he does. Then for the rest of the time reward him with money for his bank like 50 cents if he eats a good amount or something like that.
it sucks because while you can not let him be rude to you, if someone really has no appetite that is not really their fault. And you can't make them magically have one. So I guess I would try to just get some kind of deal with him like he eats three bites per meal at least and can't get up till he does. Then for the rest of the time reward him with money for his bank like 50 cents if he eats a good amount or something like that.
BA, gotta say, I totally disagree with you. There is no reason (barring some sort of severe medical condition) that an 8 year old can't "choke down" a Poptart in the morning. Doesn't matter if he "isn't hungry". Mealtime is mealtime, and we can't always schedule our eating times around when some "magic moment" of hunger occurs. He doesn't have the option of eating at 9 or 10 am if he's not hungry at 7:30. Plus since his ADHD meds are appetite suppressants, he just has to learn to eat when he "isn't hungry".
And I also think your idea of money is ABSURD. I'm sorry, adults are supposed to PAY HIM to EAT FOOD? This kid is ALREADLY an entitled little sh!thead. That's just making the whole problem worse.
it sucks because while you can not let him be rude to you, if someone really has no appetite that is not really their fault. And you can't make them magically have one. So I guess I would try to just get some kind of deal with him like he eats three bites per meal at least and can't get up till he does. Then for the rest of the time reward him with money for his bank like 50 cents if he eats a good amount or something like that.
BA, gotta say, I totally disagree with you. There is no reason (barring some sort of severe medical condition) that an 8 year old can't "choke down" a Poptart in the morning. Doesn't matter if he "isn't hungry". Mealtime is mealtime, and we can't always schedule our eating times around when some "magic moment" of hunger occurs. He doesn't have the option of eating at 9 or 10 am if he's not hungry at 7:30. Plus since his ADHD meds are appetite suppressants, he just has to learn to eat when he "isn't hungry".
And I also think your idea of money is ABSURD. I'm sorry, adults are supposed to PAY HIM to EAT FOOD? This kid is ALREADLY an entitled little sh!thead. That's just making the whole problem worse.
What he needs is a switch.
I agree w/you Ophelia. (Not necessarily about the switch). An 8-yr-old should not be bribed to exhibit a desired behavior he is supposed to do and expected to do. What next, bribing him to do his homework? Go to school? Not sass his teachers? If anything, he should have a privilege taken away from him, if he doesn't do what he is supposed to do. btw, I learned that in my freshman year Child Psychology course.
Is it no wonder we have 18-yr-olds suing their parents because they want to live on their own, do whatever they like, and still have their parents support them? Sheesh!
it sucks because while you can not let him be rude to you, if someone really has no appetite that is not really their fault. And you can't make them magically have one. So I guess I would try to just get some kind of deal with him like he eats three bites per meal at least and can't get up till he does. Then for the rest of the time reward him with money for his bank like 50 cents if he eats a good amount or something like that.
BA, gotta say, I totally disagree with you. There is no reason (barring some sort of severe medical condition) that an 8 year old can't "choke down" a Poptart in the morning. Doesn't matter if he "isn't hungry". Mealtime is mealtime, and we can't always schedule our eating times around when some "magic moment" of hunger occurs. He doesn't have the option of eating at 9 or 10 am if he's not hungry at 7:30. Plus since his ADHD meds are appetite suppressants, he just has to learn to eat when he "isn't hungry".
And I also think your idea of money is ABSURD. I'm sorry, adults are supposed to PAY HIM to EAT FOOD? This kid is ALREADLY an entitled little sh!thead. That's just making the whole problem worse.
What he needs is a switch.
As someone who also hates eating first thing in the morning I sympathize with him. I never ate before school either because in high school and middle school that meant you were eating about 6:30 am since school was at 7:20. I cannot even choke down food at that time of the day. Not without puking. My own son does not like to eat first thing either. So I just ask that he get a couple bites in him and that is it.
Harassing people about food can develop eating disorders. You should not tell a kid to "Clean their plate". Experts confirm this. It teaches them to eat past the feeling of being full which causes overeating. So asking for him to take a couple bites without drama and then rewarding him for doing so seems to make perfect sense to me. My kids are getting ready for school and going regardless, but if they do so without giving me drama they get a dime for their bank every morning. Makes my morning go a lot smoother when I am not fighting them the entire time. I have had special education and regular ed teachers compliment on my system. Because the only way they get money to spend is by earning it. Sure some kids will magically do the right thing without an incentive, but that is not all kids. A little incentive goes a long way. I mean would you go to work every day if you did not get a paycheck? Probably not. Same concept.
it sucks because while you can not let him be rude to you, if someone really has no appetite that is not really their fault. And you can't make them magically have one. So I guess I would try to just get some kind of deal with him like he eats three bites per meal at least and can't get up till he does. Then for the rest of the time reward him with money for his bank like 50 cents if he eats a good amount or something like that.
BA, gotta say, I totally disagree with you. There is no reason (barring some sort of severe medical condition) that an 8 year old can't "choke down" a Poptart in the morning. Doesn't matter if he "isn't hungry". Mealtime is mealtime, and we can't always schedule our eating times around when some "magic moment" of hunger occurs. He doesn't have the option of eating at 9 or 10 am if he's not hungry at 7:30. Plus since his ADHD meds are appetite suppressants, he just has to learn to eat when he "isn't hungry".
And I also think your idea of money is ABSURD. I'm sorry, adults are supposed to PAY HIM to EAT FOOD? This kid is ALREADLY an entitled little sh!thead. That's just making the whole problem worse.
What he needs is a switch.
I agree w/you Ophelia. (Not necessarily about the switch). An 8-yr-old should not be bribed to exhibit a desired behavior he is supposed to do and expected to do. What next, bribing him to do his homework? Go to school? Not sass his teachers? If anything, he should have a privilege taken away from him, if he doesn't do what he is supposed to do. btw, I learned that in my freshman year Child Psychology course.
Is it no wonder we have 18-yr-olds suing their parents because they want to live on their own, do whatever they like, and still have their parents support them? Sheesh!
Odd because the behavioral special educator was the one that came up with the reward system for my son. He said kids especially special needs kids (which her cousin's son is) need immediate reward or punishment. He said that tangible rewards work better with kids like that. So an immediate dime to put in your bank is better than if you do it all week long you get ice cream on Friday. That is too abstract and in the future.
Life is about rewards. If you clean your house, you have a clean house as the reward that people compliment you on. If you do a good job at work, you get a promotion. If you do something nice for your spouse, they are going to be in a super good mood. If you do a favor for someone, they will be willing to do a favor for you more likely.
Main thing being, every kid and every family is different. You do what works for YOUR family and others can try whatever to make it work for THEIR family. There is not one right answer. Because what you were told not to do by a doctor, I was told to do by a doctor. So obviously there are no absolutes. Personally I am willing to try anything to solve a prob when it comes to my kids and if it works, we stick with it. The money system works. It has worked for over 2 years now. They also learned about how to budget and delay gratification on buying things and how to save money because if they want something, they have to buy it themselves. I am guessing in 20 years I might have kids who do not make stupid mistakes and end up buying things they cannot afford and getting in debt because they have been doing the money thing their entire lives as far as they can remember.
it sucks because while you can not let him be rude to you, if someone really has no appetite that is not really their fault. And you can't make them magically have one. So I guess I would try to just get some kind of deal with him like he eats three bites per meal at least and can't get up till he does. Then for the rest of the time reward him with money for his bank like 50 cents if he eats a good amount or something like that.
BA, gotta say, I totally disagree with you. There is no reason (barring some sort of severe medical condition) that an 8 year old can't "choke down" a Poptart in the morning. Doesn't matter if he "isn't hungry". Mealtime is mealtime, and we can't always schedule our eating times around when some "magic moment" of hunger occurs. He doesn't have the option of eating at 9 or 10 am if he's not hungry at 7:30. Plus since his ADHD meds are appetite suppressants, he just has to learn to eat when he "isn't hungry".
And I also think your idea of money is ABSURD. I'm sorry, adults are supposed to PAY HIM to EAT FOOD? This kid is ALREADLY an entitled little sh!thead. That's just making the whole problem worse.
What he needs is a switch.
I agree w/you Ophelia. (Not necessarily about the switch). An 8-yr-old should not be bribed to exhibit a desired behavior he is supposed to do and expected to do. What next, bribing him to do his homework? Go to school? Not sass his teachers? If anything, he should have a privilege taken away from him, if he doesn't do what he is supposed to do. btw, I learned that in my freshman year Child Psychology course.
Is it no wonder we have 18-yr-olds suing their parents because they want to live on their own, do whatever they like, and still have their parents support them? Sheesh!
Odd because the behavioral special educator was the one that came up with the reward system for my son. He said kids especially special needs kids (which her cousin's son is) need immediate reward or punishment. He said that tangible rewards work better with kids like that. So an immediate dime to put in your bank is better than if you do it all week long you get ice cream on Friday. That is too abstract and in the future.
Life is about rewards. If you clean your house, you have a clean house as the reward that people compliment you on. If you do a good job at work, you get a promotion. If you do something nice for your spouse, they are going to be in a super good mood. If you do a favor for someone, they will be willing to do a favor for you more likely.
No, you don't get a promotion for doing a good job. You get your regular weekly paycheck for doing a good job. You get a promotion for going above and beyond a good job. You're expected to do a good job. It's the minimum daily requirement for any job. Do you seriously believe that hiring managers are going to hire someone and expect any less than a good job?
I have 40+years experience in the corporate sector and also a degree in business management. As a former hiring manager and a supervisor that has been my experience. With that, BA, I am done responding to you on this or any other thread. I used to feel sorry for you when other posters ganged up on you both on this board and the other ones, but now, I understand why. You really push it, don't you? If there were an ignore button on this board, I'd be pushing it right now to ignore you. Please ignore me in the future.
it sucks because while you can not let him be rude to you, if someone really has no appetite that is not really their fault. And you can't make them magically have one. So I guess I would try to just get some kind of deal with him like he eats three bites per meal at least and can't get up till he does. Then for the rest of the time reward him with money for his bank like 50 cents if he eats a good amount or something like that.
BA, gotta say, I totally disagree with you. There is no reason (barring some sort of severe medical condition) that an 8 year old can't "choke down" a Poptart in the morning. Doesn't matter if he "isn't hungry". Mealtime is mealtime, and we can't always schedule our eating times around when some "magic moment" of hunger occurs. He doesn't have the option of eating at 9 or 10 am if he's not hungry at 7:30. Plus since his ADHD meds are appetite suppressants, he just has to learn to eat when he "isn't hungry".
And I also think your idea of money is ABSURD. I'm sorry, adults are supposed to PAY HIM to EAT FOOD? This kid is ALREADLY an entitled little sh!thead. That's just making the whole problem worse.
What he needs is a switch.
I agree w/you Ophelia. (Not necessarily about the switch). An 8-yr-old should not be bribed to exhibit a desired behavior he is supposed to do and expected to do. What next, bribing him to do his homework? Go to school? Not sass his teachers? If anything, he should have a privilege taken away from him, if he doesn't do what he is supposed to do. btw, I learned that in my freshman year Child Psychology course.
Is it no wonder we have 18-yr-olds suing their parents because they want to live on their own, do whatever they like, and still have their parents support them? Sheesh!
Odd because the behavioral special educator was the one that came up with the reward system for my son. He said kids especially special needs kids (which her cousin's son is) need immediate reward or punishment. He said that tangible rewards work better with kids like that. So an immediate dime to put in your bank is better than if you do it all week long you get ice cream on Friday. That is too abstract and in the future.
Life is about rewards. If you clean your house, you have a clean house as the reward that people compliment you on. If you do a good job at work, you get a promotion. If you do something nice for your spouse, they are going to be in a super good mood. If you do a favor for someone, they will be willing to do a favor for you more likely.
No, you don't get a promotion for doing a good job. You get your regular weekly paycheck for doing a good job. You get a promotion for going above and beyond a good job. You're expected to do a good job. It's the minimum daily requirement for any job. Do you seriously believe that hiring managers are going to hire someone and expect any less than a good job?
I have 40+years experience in the corporate sector and also a degree in business management. As a former hiring manager and a supervisor that has been my experience. With that, BA, I am done responding to you on this or any other thread. I used to feel sorry for you when other posters ganged up on you both on this board and the other ones, but now, I understand why. You really push it, don't you? If there were an ignore button on this board, I'd be pushing it right now to ignore you. Please ignore me in the future.
Because I disagreed with you? Where was I rude or disrespectful? Where did I push anything besides just arguing and explaining my reasoning?
I guess if people think because I post something they disagree with that is somehow baiting them? Sorry but that does not make sense. I did not say you were wrong. I did not belittle you. You don't have to like me, but you are totally coming out of left field to act like this was some kind of epic disagreement. I will apologize though if you somehow thought I was attacking you or insulting you. I was not trying to do that in any way.
-- Edited by Balloon Animal on Thursday 13th of March 2014 10:46:02 PM
Let's keep this in the realm of friendly debate, please?
I'm just sharing this as an item of interest, b/c I am as uninvolved as possible at this point.
But when he talks to her like that, I just wonder, "And you just have no idea why nobody came to his birthday party."
That I can agree with you on. The talking rude to her absolutely has to stop. I would not tolerate that.
I just don't know if I can get behind punishing a child for not having an appetite or eating. I never force my kids to eat and never have. If they don't eat, no big deal, but they have to wait till the next meal to eat again and no desserts.
Cousin sees nothing wrong with his behavior. I hope that when its' just the two of them and there are no buffers and no one else to blame, that will be her wake up call. But emotionally, I'm just done, I think. It used to really tear me up to hear him be so rude and disrespectful. And it used to make me very worried for her, a divorced mom with such a willful child. But at this point it's like watching a TV show. She has CHOSEN to be this kind of parent. She has CHOSEN to allow her son to be this way. And at 8.5, with multiple examples of polite behavior and multiple corrections, he is CHOOSING to be a jerk.
true true...I was hoping for a different result, but I have seen more parents upset cause no one sees the awesomeness that is their ADULT CHILD
but I have seen a few that see the beast they created and are horrified...but it is usually to late, hard to *guide* an adult...even one with child mentality and feeling of everyone owes them
__________________
~ 4 Wheels Move the Body~ ~2 Wheels Move the Soul~
I think it will actually be both. I think she's starting to notice that he has no friends and is never invited anywhere. As he grows up, she'll be all, "Why does my son have no friends? Why did he get fired from another job?" But she'll ALSO think, "Why is my son so rude to me? Why is my son so ungrateful?"
Cousin sees nothing wrong with his behavior. I hope that when its' just the two of them and there are no buffers and no one else to blame, that will be her wake up call. But emotionally, I'm just done, I think. It used to really tear me up to hear him be so rude and disrespectful. And it used to make me very worried for her, a divorced mom with such a willful child. But at this point it's like watching a TV show. She has CHOSEN to be this kind of parent. She has CHOSEN to allow her son to be this way. And at 8.5, with multiple examples of polite behavior and multiple corrections, he is CHOOSING to be a jerk.
And I agree. She will have to deal with him the rest of her life and she will reap what she sows as far as that goes. See, she is not even trying. That is the problem. I can sympathize with any parent that tries even if it is not working. At least if I see the effort I got to give them some credit. I don't always do everything perfect and many times I fail at it, but I at least try with my kids. That is all you can really do.
For your own sanity you need to just view it from a removed position and just let it be. It is not going to change most likely. You can't change them. You can't change your mom tolerating it and giving in to them. All you can do is control that you are not going to let it get to you anymore and if they say anything about it, just be like "I told you so, sorry bout it" and walk away. It is not your problem.
true true...I was hoping for a different result, but I have seen more parents upset cause no one sees the awesomeness that is their ADULT CHILD
but I have seen a few that see the beast they created and are horrified...but it is usually to late, hard to *guide* an adult...even one with child mentality and feeling of everyone owes them
Yep.
My grandmother is one of the ones that raised a monster and does not see it even as an adult and fails to ever see it and keeps giving in to them. She is like that with her first son my uncle. It is always someone else's fault and everyone has to tip toe around his feelings. It causes her other children to resent her and him. No good comes from it. He is a grown man that is married but otherwise really does not have any friends. He still spends most days whining and blaming his life on everyone but himself. He is angry and kinda nuts and unhappy and she still babies the crap out of him. I have a hard time being around that side of the family for obvious reasons.
And, as much as I abhor physical violence on a child, I'd be very tempted to take the Pop Tart and smash it on his face.
