Invisapeeps 2.0

Dear Prudence,

My mom doesn’t have two nickels to rub together, as she would say when we were kids. She was not around me and my three siblings after I was about 10 years old. She and my dad divorced, she moved away, and he got custody and remarried. She’s in her 80s, back in our neck of the woods, and we have a cordial relationship (although I never leave my kids alone with her since she didn’t learn any mothering skills while she was gone). All the siblings are successful financially, in varying degrees, with me in fourth place. I have the youngest kids, with college expenses looming. When mom dies, I’m fine with offering to pay one-fourth of the funeral costs, but no more. At least one sibling is not likely to contribute a dime to any funeral expenses. (I suspect cremation will be chosen, because it’s cheaper, despite not being the preferred method according to my religion.) How and when should I broach this subject with Mom and the siblings? If the recalcitrant sibling refuses to participate financially, should I agree to pay one-third or suggest that the much richer sibling to pick up the slack?

—When She’s Gone 

Dear When,
You have no buried treasure with which to bury Mom, so I totally support your and your siblings’ taking the practical approach when your prodigal mother bites the dust. Unlike your own mother, you’re not planning to leave it to others to see that a vulnerable loved one's needs are met. Dust is the way to go because cremation offers a vast savings over traditional burial. None of you are obligated to go broke providing her with a mahogany send-off. Under the best of circumstances adult children and their parents do have frank discussions about end-of-life issues. Your family doesn't sound too experienced at frank discussions, however, so bringing up with Mom your desire for a bargain farewell is probably not a productive way to start. According to various websites, a bare-bones cremation can cost anywhere from around $500 to $1,000. Even split three ways, mom’s departure will not prevent you from sending your kids to college. Go ahead and do some research at local funeral homes in advance. When you talk to them make sure you firmly avoid mortician add-ons: no memorial service, no urn (you must have a large vase in a closet somewhere), etc. Then, when the time comes, you can tell your siblings you've already done the homework on the most economical way to say goodbye. If they want something more elaborate, tell them they'll have to pick up the difference. And let me note that mothers who don’t hear from their children this Mother’s Day’s about life after they’re gone should be grateful. 

—Prudie

I am very frugal when it comes to funerals. I think it is outrageous to spend tons of money on them. I believe in the cheapest cremation and I also believe that people should plan to pay for their own funeral expenses. It is not up to others to fund it. So no, I am not paying for our parents funerals. They should have money left over to cover it as far as I know. But if they don't they get the bare minimum and I guess I would pay for that but I would not be happy about it. I am an only child so I can make that decision alone for my parents but for DH's mother I do worry his siblings will try to pull something like want to do a super expensive funeral with lots of extras and then expect DH to pay for it. They would end up very disappointed because our money is shared and I would never agree to it. 

With wills not coming out till after you probably already paid for the funeral, I am not about to pay for an expensive one thinking the inheritance will pay me back because there is no guarantee of that. So whatever they want, they better make sure the money is there accessible to us and/or already paid for or they get the bare minimum.