Invisapeeps 2.0

EmmDee · Guru

Grieving

OpheliaDev1 · Guru

I don't think it's a case of them wanting you to grieve "their way" or trying to force you to feel something you aren't. They are just reacting to the news that your grandfather is dead. As you said, they don't know the path that has lead here. It's totally okay for you to say, "I appreciate your sympathy. Grandfather has been declining for a while now. I will miss him, but I am also glad that his suffering is over." Or something like that. If you feel like opening up that much. You can also say something like, "Thank you for your condolences," then change the subject.

"I had issues with how my mom and uncle treated my grandmother during this time so I chewed my mom out. They have drawn the conclusion that I did this out of grief and refuse to accept it was over their actions."

Not sure if you are asking advice regarding this. firstly, how you feel is how you feel, and that's okay. Perhaps step back and let the matter lie at this time. You may want to bring it up again when things aren't so raw. Or you may not.

EmmDee · Guru

I have dropped the matter with my mom and uncle, I just see them in a different way now that I know what they felt was acceptable.

I don't know how to voice that I feel like they are trying to pull my grief out of me but it just does.

winds55 · Guru

First, I'm sorry for your loss. Even though you know it's been coming, there's a finality that combines the grieve with the peace. There's no need to feel guilty over any emotion or lack thereof - unless you tell those comforting you "Thanks, I've had several months of mourning as his health declined, so I've gotten through the worst of it." they won't know a simple "I'm sorry" is all that needs said.

If you waited until after your grandfather's death to chew your mom out, it's understandable that they think the 'chewing out' was from grief. If the behavior continues, you need to address it as it's happening, with strong examples, if you want them to take you seriously.

Riding in the WY Wind · ~Ride Free~ ~ Live Free~ (M)

everyone grieves in their own way, there are no *rules* I am sorry for your loss, but understand that since you were apart of their day to day lives, you perhaps have done some grieving already and are in a different place in the loss.

Sorry not much help.

EmmDee · Guru

I chewed my mom out the day he fell which was a week before he died. I have not brought it up since then. It has been a struggle with mom and uncle for the last year with my grandmother. They have been dismissive of her feelings and bossing her around in regards to my grandfather that whole time. My feelings on how they treat her have been clear and are nothing new.

OpheliaDev1 · Guru

I also want to offer my condolences on your loss. My grandmother was a horribly abusive person to my mother, so when she died when I was 15 I didn't feel anything beyond relief, for my family and for her mother (my GGM) who was at last free of her abusive and parasitical daughter. When my GGM died, I was sad she was gone, but she had been declining for a long time and she was suffering.

"I don't know how to voice that I feel like they are trying to pull my grief out of me but it just does."

Is it possible that their expression of sympathy is bringing your grief to the surface? Or maybe not grief alone, but a mix of feelings?

I am a funeral cryer. Anytime I go to a funeral, even if I didn't know the person, I cry. And snot. A lot. Because I find myself thinking about the person I do know, and how they are feeling about having lost this person. A co-worker's son died, and they had a slide show. And every time a picture of him and his dog came up, I cried again (I am actually tearing up right now), b/c I kept thinking how much that dog was going to miss his person.

And I know my crying might make other people feel uncomfortable or weird or whatever, but that's not my intent at all, and it's not something I can control.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that their reaction is probably just that - their reaction. It's not an indictment of you or your reaction.

But it's totally okay for you to say, "I'm not comfortable talking about this," and change the subject.

EmmDee · Guru

I am a funeral crier too, no matter who the person is. Not full out crying, just tearing up though.

It isn't that they are crying, it's that they are physically embracing me expecting me to cry on their shoulder. Of course, I do feel a little bit of judgement that every one can find time to visit him more times in his final week than they did the previous 6-12 months but I would NEVER voice that to them.

OpheliaDev1 · Guru

I get that judgement. My GGM lived in an apartment in an independent living facility for years before she came to live with us after a bad fall. My uncle (my mom's brother, so my GGM's grandson) showed up and started talking about how sad he was at all of the family dinners we could have been having if she'd stopped "being so stubborn" and moved in with us sooner, etc. Well, jerk, nothing was stopping you from hosting said family dinners, or even just visiting her with a meal. Even though Mom asked him MULTIPLE times to just freeze some small portions of food for her, etc.

Balloon Animal · Guru

Sorry for your loss and yes you can vent to us here safely with no judgment. I completely understand where you are coming from. Sometimes when someone is at the end of life like that it can be a blessing and a good thing for them to move on peacefully. I was the same when my grandfather died. He had lived a long good life. He was at peace with his death. He died peacefully in his sleep. I was okay with it. I was sad, I miss him. That won't change. I feel for my grandmother because she had been with that man literally since she was like 15. But I am not going to turn into a sobbing mess on the floor over it. Old people do have to die. I come to terms and acceptance with that.

I am honestly more judgmental of the people that act like they have lost their minds over an elderly person dying naturally. That is more likely to get a side eye from me. Because hello when someone is 90+ years old you have to see their death coming. I mean duh. Does not mean I don't feel sorry for them and will comfort them, but you got to have perspective and be realistic.

You feel however you feel and make no excuses for it. I found telling people that I was happy he died peacefully and he had a good life seemed to work as far as people realized I was at peace with it and nobody gave me a hard time.

Balloon Animal · Guru

EmmDee wrote:
I am a funeral crier too, no matter who the person is. Not full out crying, just tearing up though.

It isn't that they are crying, it's that they are physically embracing me expecting me to cry on their shoulder. Of course, I do feel a little bit of judgement that every one can find time to visit him more times in his final week than they did the previous 6-12 months but I would NEVER voice that to them.

Also this I can agree with too. That kind of stuff burns me up. When people were not there for them when they were alive but then try to come out of the woodworks and act all torn up over their death. I just don't get it and it comes across as fake to me.

Fully expect my step inlaws to come out of the woodwork when SD dies and act like they are just devastated even though they barely ever visited him or even called him never sent cards presents nothing.

EmmDee · Guru

BA, that is for sure part of it. I lost my dad when he was 48. My grandfather was 87 and lived a very full life. I can't feel sadness for the life he will miss out on. He had a great grandchild who is about to be 14.

RichardInTN · I believe in I.D.I.C.

I'm sorry for your loss. Everyone grieves in their own way. And you had time to feel the loss coming, where as they had a sudden shock (even if they knew it was coming, they weren't literally in the thick of experiencing it, like you were).