Invisapeeps 2.0

Balloon Animal · Guru

Rant No birthday present?

winds55 · Guru

Maybe he's tired of you looking at him as a money machine. Did he get something for the other kid, or ignore both of them?

Balloon Animal · Guru

I don't ask him for money for anything. A good grandparent offers to pay for stuff and gets their grandkids presents without you having to ask, like my mother does who has a lot less money than he does but she is way more generous with it. I have to turn my mother's money away a lot because she tries to pay for too much.

kinalikamom · Senior Member

Perhaps your father has a different idea of what a 'good grandparent' does than you do. He gets to choose his level of involvement, good or bad.

If you had hinted about how I should spend my money (karate lessons) I would probably ignore you as well.

Balloon Animal · Guru

I suggested it as his birthday present.
I am sorry but I can't ever think it is okay for a grandparent to completely not acknowledge a birthday of their grandchild. No way is that okay. We would have been happy with $5 in a card for him. He would have loved that. He did not even do that.

It is general etiquette to show up at a birthday party with a present so if he shows up without one and did not give one previously then he is doing less for them than their little friends that show up at the party with a present.

-- Edited by Balloon Animal on Thursday 15th of May 2014 07:38:29 AM

kinalikamom · Senior Member

In ten years, your child might remember that his grandfather was there, but I can guarantee he won't remember what present he received. Unless, of course, someone makes a big deal about it.

ana · Senior Member

I don't think it's a grandparents job to pay for stuff. That is the parents' job. You know, the people that CHOSE to have a child?

Not everyone thinks birthdays are a big deal. As well, a 2 yo doesn't care who did or did not bring him presents. And really what does a 2yo need besides love, attention, food, clotihng and shelter?

OpheliaDev1 · Guru

BA, I get it. I do think that your dad was remiss in not calling at least for your son's bday. That being said - in our culture, we are socialized that the women keep up with that kind of thing and men don't. Seriously, my dad has a hard time remembering what month I was born in. I'm in my mid-30s and I know his birth day, month and year, and yet he still can't remember the freaking MONTH?! It does hurt my feelings.

That being said, I do agree that it was inappropriate for you to hint about paying for karate lessons, etc. If your Dad ASKS, then you can certainly suggest that.

And maybe I'm petty - but you can certainly return the favor. Father's Day is coming up. Maybe you dad doesn't need a phone call, a card or a present.

Cactus · Senior Member

How is he as a grandparent otherwise? Does he do things with the kids? Does he show love and affection?
And how is he about birthdays in general? Does he usually not do anything or do you think this kid was singled out for some reason?
Birthdays are not very important to everyone. Maybe it's not really on his radar. I don't think this alone makes him a bad grandparent. If he remembers other birthdays and has a pattern of treating this particular grandchild differently I can understand that can be hurtful.
You said he would attend the party so it's not that he isn't acknowledging the birthday at all - it's not all about material things.

-- Edited by Cactus on Thursday 15th of May 2014 09:48:05 AM

-- Edited by Cactus on Thursday 15th of May 2014 09:51:18 AM

Cactus · Senior Member

Balloon Animal wrote:
I don't ask him for money for anything. A good grandparent offers to pay for stuff and gets their grandkids presents without you having to ask, like my mother does who has a lot less money than he does but she is way more generous with it. I have to turn my mother's money away a lot because she tries to pay for too much.

I don't agree with you about what makes someone a good grandparent and maybe he doesn't either. What is his relationship with the child like? That matters more than what he gives him IMO

Aurora · Senior Member

Balloon Animal wrote:
Robot's birthday was recently. My Dad did not call him on his birthday to wish him a happy birthday nor did he send a card nor did he send a gift. Now the party is later this month because its a pool party and we have to wait for the pool to open up after Memorial Day. So he might bring a present to the party...but I am not thinking he will. This is not the first time he failed to acknowledge a birthday. When Hip Hop was 2 he also did nothing no card or present and my Mom said something to him about it and he was like "He doesn't need anything." Really?! Your grandson!
My kids are his only grandchildren. So not like he has 20 other grandkids to think of. He knows when the birthdays are as he gets invitations and I mention them multiple times. Robot did not seem to notice thankfully.
I even mentioned casually to him about him paying for karate lessons or putting some money toward it for this summer and he just ignored what I said.
This man is loaded. Or at least well off. So money is not a problem. Just send a $20 lego set and he is thrilled. Heck send a card with $5 and he is thrilled.
It pisses me off. Even MIL does better than that.

I agree with your father, and told my family that when my DD was born (and reiterated it when she turned one). At that young age what the child needs is the only thing that matters and needs should come from the parents, IMO. Maybe if you stop trying to spend your father's money for him, he may chose to do something for your son.

OpheliaDev1 · Guru

I have to say, that whole "He doesn't need anything," is just BS. I mean, technically speaking, he doesn't need a grandpa either, does he? That right there would infuriate me.

From one of BA's earlier posts, is this the guy who spanked your son? So grandpa's rights and duties including delivering spankings despite the mom's specific instructions, and yet for him to buy a present is just a ridiculous expectation?

I obviously don't have all the details. Maybe your dad is a wonderful grandpa in some way I'm not aware of.

But honestly, based on what I know - I think you need to totally just lose your sh!t on him. Screaming would not be out of line.

"What the f!ck is WRONG WITH YOU?! You spank my kid, yet you can't be bothered to call him on his birthday or buy him a present?!" Just rip his freaking head off.

Balloon Animal · Guru

ana wrote:
I don't think it's a grandparents job to pay for stuff. That is the parents' job. You know, the people that CHOSE to have a child?

Not everyone thinks birthdays are a big deal. As well, a 2 yo doesn't care who did or did not bring him presents. And really what does a 2yo need besides love, attention, food, clotihng and shelter?

My son is 7 now. The others are even older than that. They are old enough to notice if their grandparents don't give them presents or call them on their birthday.

You can guarantee I would NEVER forget a grandchild's birthday.

Balloon Animal · Guru

Cactus wrote:
Balloon Animal wrote:
I don't ask him for money for anything. A good grandparent offers to pay for stuff and gets their grandkids presents without you having to ask, like my mother does who has a lot less money than he does but she is way more generous with it. I have to turn my mother's money away a lot because she tries to pay for too much.
I don't agree with you about what makes someone a good grandparent and maybe he doesn't either. What is his relationship with the child like? That matters more than what he gives him IMO

He does visit and take them places with me. He is pretty good about that. But he is not one of those grandparents I see with their friends who come to every award program at school or every dance recital (he has missed 2 of Hip Hop's so far) or every birthday party (he missed one because he was mad at me and got pissy and did not show up even though he knew he was wanted there), field trip, class party, etc.

So no, I don't think he is around so so much that he is okay to forget birthdays. He is not around enough for that. The kids adore him.

Balloon Animal · Guru

Aurora wrote:
Balloon Animal wrote:
Robot's birthday was recently. My Dad did not call him on his birthday to wish him a happy birthday nor did he send a card nor did he send a gift. Now the party is later this month because its a pool party and we have to wait for the pool to open up after Memorial Day. So he might bring a present to the party...but I am not thinking he will. This is not the first time he failed to acknowledge a birthday. When Hip Hop was 2 he also did nothing no card or present and my Mom said something to him about it and he was like "He doesn't need anything." Really?! Your grandson!
My kids are his only grandchildren. So not like he has 20 other grandkids to think of. He knows when the birthdays are as he gets invitations and I mention them multiple times. Robot did not seem to notice thankfully.
I even mentioned casually to him about him paying for karate lessons or putting some money toward it for this summer and he just ignored what I said.
This man is loaded. Or at least well off. So money is not a problem. Just send a $20 lego set and he is thrilled. Heck send a card with $5 and he is thrilled.
It pisses me off. Even MIL does better than that.
I agree with your father, and told my family that when my DD was born (and reiterated it when she turned one). At that young age what the child needs is the only thing that matters and needs should come from the parents, IMO. Maybe if you stop trying to spend your father's money for him, he may chose to do something for your son.

So you would not be upset at all if your parents never once gave your kid a gift? Ever? Or if they showed up empty handed at a birthday party? Or any other guest showed up empty handed? Or never sent a card? Or never called on their birthday? Because I have a hard time believing that. I give presents to people I barely know more often than that.

Balloon Animal · Guru

OpheliaDev1 wrote:
I have to say, that whole "He doesn't need anything," is just BS. I mean, technically speaking, he doesn't need a grandpa either, does he? That right there would infuriate me.

From one of BA's earlier posts, is this the guy who spanked your son? So grandpa's rights and duties including delivering spankings despite the mom's specific instructions, and yet for him to buy a present is just a ridiculous expectation?

I obviously don't have all the details. Maybe your dad is a wonderful grandpa in some way I'm not aware of.

But honestly, based on what I know - I think you need to totally just lose your sh!t on him. Screaming would not be out of line.

"What the f!ck is WRONG WITH YOU?! You spank my kid, yet you can't be bothered to call him on his birthday or buy him a present?!" Just rip his freaking head off.

Yes, this is the same Grandpa. Last interaction with Robot (my autistic son) was spanking him and letting him trash his room and keeping it from me for several days and acting like he totally had the right to do the above. Then no call, card or present on his birthday.

Our relationship is complicated. And for the record before anyone says anything about me taking advantage of him for babysitting, he has asked multiple times to babysit them at his house and I have to decline due to him probably not handling them right. But that means leaving him with them for 2 hours at my house where he was already spending the night with them is probably okay and not taking advantage of him. But I won't be leaving him with them again after that.

OpheliaDev1 · Guru

Something I have observed - men often save the best of themselves for people besides their families. Not saying women don't do that, but it seems to be more socially acceptable for men. I think b/c men are not expected to be warm, to understand feelings, etc, and women are. It's like their job as a Dad is to provide materially and that's it. Anything else is "gravy" and you should be happy to accept it. I know my dad is far more concerned about the feelings over other people than my feelings. Like he gave me provided for me as I grew up, and he's going to give his kindness to other people.

You can't change your dad. You can't make him give what he doesn't want to give. You have to decide when and if you will accept what he wants to give.

Balloon Animal · Guru

OpheliaDev1 wrote:
Something I have observed - men often save the best of themselves for people besides their families. Not saying women don't do that, but it seems to be more socially acceptable for men. I think b/c men are not expected to be warm, to understand feelings, etc, and women are. It's like their job as a Dad is to provide materially and that's it. Anything else is "gravy" and you should be happy to accept it. I know my dad is far more concerned about the feelings over other people than my feelings. Like he gave me provided for me as I grew up, and he's going to give his kindness to other people.

You can't change your dad. You can't make him give what he doesn't want to give. You have to decide when and if you will accept what he wants to give.

True. Good advice for that last line. I accept I can't change him. Accepted that long ago. I am just trying to have some kind of relationship with him and letting him have one with the kids but its hard and will continue to be so forever most likely.

The reason I suggested giving some money toward Karate lessons is he already complains the kids have too many toys so he does not like to give toys. So I was thinking something like that might be a good gift idea. If not, then I will pay for them myself. I get jealous when I hear about and see other grandparents because they are just way more supportive and present than he is.

winds55 · Guru

Balloon Animal wrote:
Aurora wrote:
Balloon Animal wrote:
Robot's birthday was recently. My Dad did not call him on his birthday to wish him a happy birthday nor did he send a card nor did he send a gift. Now the party is later this month because its a pool party and we have to wait for the pool to open up after Memorial Day. So he might bring a present to the party...but I am not thinking he will. This is not the first time he failed to acknowledge a birthday. When Hip Hop was 2 he also did nothing no card or present and my Mom said something to him about it and he was like "He doesn't need anything." Really?! Your grandson!
My kids are his only grandchildren. So not like he has 20 other grandkids to think of. He knows when the birthdays are as he gets invitations and I mention them multiple times. Robot did not seem to notice thankfully.
I even mentioned casually to him about him paying for karate lessons or putting some money toward it for this summer and he just ignored what I said.
This man is loaded. Or at least well off. So money is not a problem. Just send a $20 lego set and he is thrilled. Heck send a card with $5 and he is thrilled.
It pisses me off. Even MIL does better than that.
I agree with your father, and told my family that when my DD was born (and reiterated it when she turned one). At that young age what the child needs is the only thing that matters and needs should come from the parents, IMO. Maybe if you stop trying to spend your father's money for him, he may chose to do something for your son.
So you would not be upset at all if your parents never once gave your kid a gift? Ever? Or if they showed up empty handed at a birthday party? Or any other guest showed up empty handed? Or never sent a card? Or never called on their birthday? Because I have a hard time believing that. I give presents to people I barely know more often than that.

Not everyone feels the need to buy friendships and love. I don't remember getting any birthday gifts or cards from my grandfathers. Never bothered me at all. I do remember being loved by them, and that is -to me- what's important.

You still haven't answered the question - did he get the other kid something? Do you know for a fact he's not planning on bringing the gifts to the birthday party? Or is he expected to fork stuff over twice?

Balloon Animal · Guru

winds55 wrote:
Balloon Animal wrote:
Aurora wrote:
Balloon Animal wrote:
Robot's birthday was recently. My Dad did not call him on his birthday to wish him a happy birthday nor did he send a card nor did he send a gift. Now the party is later this month because its a pool party and we have to wait for the pool to open up after Memorial Day. So he might bring a present to the party...but I am not thinking he will. This is not the first time he failed to acknowledge a birthday. When Hip Hop was 2 he also did nothing no card or present and my Mom said something to him about it and he was like "He doesn't need anything." Really?! Your grandson!
My kids are his only grandchildren. So not like he has 20 other grandkids to think of. He knows when the birthdays are as he gets invitations and I mention them multiple times. Robot did not seem to notice thankfully.
I even mentioned casually to him about him paying for karate lessons or putting some money toward it for this summer and he just ignored what I said.
This man is loaded. Or at least well off. So money is not a problem. Just send a $20 lego set and he is thrilled. Heck send a card with $5 and he is thrilled.
It pisses me off. Even MIL does better than that.
I agree with your father, and told my family that when my DD was born (and reiterated it when she turned one). At that young age what the child needs is the only thing that matters and needs should come from the parents, IMO. Maybe if you stop trying to spend your father's money for him, he may chose to do something for your son.
So you would not be upset at all if your parents never once gave your kid a gift? Ever? Or if they showed up empty handed at a birthday party? Or any other guest showed up empty handed? Or never sent a card? Or never called on their birthday? Because I have a hard time believing that. I give presents to people I barely know more often than that.
Not everyone feels the need to buy friendships and love. I don't remember getting any birthday gifts or cards from my grandfathers. Never bothered me at all. I do remember being loved by them, and that is -to me- what's important.

You still haven't answered the question - did he get the other kid something? Do you know for a fact he's not planning on bringing the gifts to the birthday party? Or is he expected to fork stuff over twice?

DD's birthday is in August. Hip Hop's was in March. He did do something for Hip Hop's in March.

I don't know for a fact but I have suspicions. We will wait and see.

I always got gifts for Christmas and birthdays from my grandparents at the very least and usually even more than that. Gifts and love are not mutually exclusive you understand? You can have both. I give people both. Gifts is one of the love languages.

-- Edited by Balloon Animal on Thursday 15th of May 2014 03:28:25 PM

winds55 · Guru

Balloon Animal wrote:
OpheliaDev1 wrote:
Something I have observed - men often save the best of themselves for people besides their families. Not saying women don't do that, but it seems to be more socially acceptable for men. I think b/c men are not expected to be warm, to understand feelings, etc, and women are. It's like their job as a Dad is to provide materially and that's it. Anything else is "gravy" and you should be happy to accept it. I know my dad is far more concerned about the feelings over other people than my feelings. Like he gave me provided for me as I grew up, and he's going to give his kindness to other people.

You can't change your dad. You can't make him give what he doesn't want to give. You have to decide when and if you will accept what he wants to give.
True. Good advice for that last line. I accept I can't change him. Accepted that long ago. I am just trying to have some kind of relationship with him and letting him have one with the kids but its hard and will continue to be so forever most likely.
The reason I suggested giving some money toward Karate lessons is he already complains the kids have too many toys so he does not like to give toys. So I was thinking something like that might be a good gift idea. If not, then I will pay for them myself. I get jealous when I hear about and see other grandparents because they are just way more supportive and present than he is.

Finally the truth comes out. Or at least as much truth as you're capable of.

-- Edited by winds55 on Thursday 15th of May 2014 03:28:15 PM

Balloon Animal · Guru

winds55 wrote:
Balloon Animal wrote:
OpheliaDev1 wrote:
Something I have observed - men often save the best of themselves for people besides their families. Not saying women don't do that, but it seems to be more socially acceptable for men. I think b/c men are not expected to be warm, to understand feelings, etc, and women are. It's like their job as a Dad is to provide materially and that's it. Anything else is "gravy" and you should be happy to accept it. I know my dad is far more concerned about the feelings over other people than my feelings. Like he gave me provided for me as I grew up, and he's going to give his kindness to other people.

You can't change your dad. You can't make him give what he doesn't want to give. You have to decide when and if you will accept what he wants to give.
True. Good advice for that last line. I accept I can't change him. Accepted that long ago. I am just trying to have some kind of relationship with him and letting him have one with the kids but its hard and will continue to be so forever most likely.
The reason I suggested giving some money toward Karate lessons is he already complains the kids have too many toys so he does not like to give toys. So I was thinking something like that might be a good gift idea. If not, then I will pay for them myself. I get jealous when I hear about and see other grandparents because they are just way more supportive and present than he is.
Finally the truth comes out. Or at least as much truth as you're capable of.

-- Edited by winds55 on Thursday 15th of May 2014 03:28:15 PM

Not something I am ashamed to admit. My kids would LOVE to have their Grandpa around more. Hip Hop is going to be sad Grandpa can't come to his dance recital in a few weeks. He was sad last year when he did not come. They only do two a year.

My kids would love Grandpa to come to the class parties like other grandparents do. Or to the field trips. Or every little thing like a lot of their friends grandparents do.

OpheliaDev1 · Guru

winds55 wrote:
Balloon Animal wrote:
OpheliaDev1 wrote:
Something I have observed - men often save the best of themselves for people besides their families. Not saying women don't do that, but it seems to be more socially acceptable for men. I think b/c men are not expected to be warm, to understand feelings, etc, and women are. It's like their job as a Dad is to provide materially and that's it. Anything else is "gravy" and you should be happy to accept it. I know my dad is far more concerned about the feelings over other people than my feelings. Like he gave me provided for me as I grew up, and he's going to give his kindness to other people.

You can't change your dad. You can't make him give what he doesn't want to give. You have to decide when and if you will accept what he wants to give.
True. Good advice for that last line. I accept I can't change him. Accepted that long ago. I am just trying to have some kind of relationship with him and letting him have one with the kids but its hard and will continue to be so forever most likely.
The reason I suggested giving some money toward Karate lessons is he already complains the kids have too many toys so he does not like to give toys. So I was thinking something like that might be a good gift idea. If not, then I will pay for them myself. I get jealous when I hear about and see other grandparents because they are just way more supportive and present than he is.
Finally the truth comes out. Or at least as much truth as you're capable of.

-- Edited by winds55 on Thursday 15th of May 2014 03:28:15 PM

That was nasty and uncalled for. If any poster besides BA had posted this, you would not be this vicious.

Nothing wrong with wishing your parent was different. I was certainly envious of the attention and, yes, gifts lavished by my GPs on their Golden Grandkids, and I was jealous of the attention and yes presents that some of my friends got from their GPs.

But I guess that makes me evil and money-grubbing, and my parents also, that we wished that my grandparents cared about me enough to take me on a cruise and pay for my college and invite me to stay with them, the way they did with their Golden Grandkids.

Cactus · Senior Member

Balloon Animal wrote:
winds55 wrote:
Balloon Animal wrote:
Aurora wrote:
Balloon Animal wrote:
Robot's birthday was recently. My Dad did not call him on his birthday to wish him a happy birthday nor did he send a card nor did he send a gift. Now the party is later this month because its a pool party and we have to wait for the pool to open up after Memorial Day. So he might bring a present to the party...but I am not thinking he will. This is not the first time he failed to acknowledge a birthday. When Hip Hop was 2 he also did nothing no card or present and my Mom said something to him about it and he was like "He doesn't need anything." Really?! Your grandson!
My kids are his only grandchildren. So not like he has 20 other grandkids to think of. He knows when the birthdays are as he gets invitations and I mention them multiple times. Robot did not seem to notice thankfully.
I even mentioned casually to him about him paying for karate lessons or putting some money toward it for this summer and he just ignored what I said.
This man is loaded. Or at least well off. So money is not a problem. Just send a $20 lego set and he is thrilled. Heck send a card with $5 and he is thrilled.
It pisses me off. Even MIL does better than that.
I agree with your father, and told my family that when my DD was born (and reiterated it when she turned one). At that young age what the child needs is the only thing that matters and needs should come from the parents, IMO. Maybe if you stop trying to spend your father's money for him, he may chose to do something for your son.
So you would not be upset at all if your parents never once gave your kid a gift? Ever? Or if they showed up empty handed at a birthday party? Or any other guest showed up empty handed? Or never sent a card? Or never called on their birthday? Because I have a hard time believing that. I give presents to people I barely know more often than that.
Not everyone feels the need to buy friendships and love. I don't remember getting any birthday gifts or cards from my grandfathers. Never bothered me at all. I do remember being loved by them, and that is -to me- what's important.

You still haven't answered the question - did he get the other kid something? Do you know for a fact he's not planning on bringing the gifts to the birthday party? Or is he expected to fork stuff over twice?
DD's birthday is in August. Hip Hop's was in March. He did do something for Hip Hop's in March.
I don't know for a fact but I have suspicions. We will wait and see.
I always got gifts for Christmas and birthdays from my grandparents at the very least and usually even more than that. Gifts and love are not mutually exclusive you understand? You can have both. I give people both. Gifts is one of the love languages.

-- Edited by Balloon Animal on Thursday 15th of May 2014 03:28:25 PM

You can have both but that doesn't mean you need both or there is something wrong with a grandparent that gives love and time but not material things. I do think the grandchildren should be treated equally though.

Cactus · Senior Member

Balloon Animal wrote:
Cactus wrote:
Balloon Animal wrote:
I don't ask him for money for anything. A good grandparent offers to pay for stuff and gets their grandkids presents without you having to ask, like my mother does who has a lot less money than he does but she is way more generous with it. I have to turn my mother's money away a lot because she tries to pay for too much.
I don't agree with you about what makes someone a good grandparent and maybe he doesn't either. What is his relationship with the child like? That matters more than what he gives him IMO
He does visit and take them places with me. He is pretty good about that. But he is not one of those grandparents I see with their friends who come to every award program at school or every dance recital (he has missed 2 of Hip Hop's so far) or every birthday party (he missed one because he was mad at me and got pissy and did not show up even though he knew he was wanted there), field trip, class party, etc.
So no, I don't think he is around so so much that he is okay to forget birthdays. He is not around enough for that. The kids adore him.

Why should he have to go to every program and recital? Not doing so doesn't mean he doesn't love and value his grandchildren. I don't think it's productive to compare him with other grandparents you know. When making comparisons to others you can always find ways to come up short. But if you want to go that route you might want to consider that plenty of people have it worse. Instead of comparing him to others and focusing on what he doesn't do, isn't it better to appreciate him for what he is and what he does do?

I do agree he shouldn't be spanking your kids or disciplining them without your authorization.

OpheliaDev1 · Guru

Honestly, are there grandparents who are financially comfortable and give their grandkids love and attention and don't give them material things? I'm not talking about a new toy every visit, but an occassional treat or (god forbid!) a birthday present.

If BA's Dad thinks the kids have too many toys, he could get them a magazine subscription, take them to the zoo or a museum, get them a book.

What it boils down to is this guy feels like it's his right to spank these kids, yet he can't be bothered to call on their birthdays.

ana · Senior Member

I have never had a grandparent buy me a gift. Or an uncle or aunt. We buy things for our nephews and nieces because we want to, not because we are expected to.

As for going to every single recital, game etc. You do understand that not everyone enjoys that kind of thing, right? We go when we are able and feel like it.

It seems like gifts are your love language. Maybe it isn't your father's?

And perhaps you shouldn't set your children up for disappointment by putting your expectations of your father onto your children.

Try having a relationship with your father on mutual terms, not on only your terms.

-- Edited by ana on Thursday 15th of May 2014 03:52:55 PM

Cactus · Senior Member

I also think that you should take care that you are not communicating resentment or disappointment about him to your children. I think parents can transmit negativity to their kids without intending to, sometimes even without verbal communication. I am not saying that is what you are doing or that it's not possible your children have their own disappointment, but it is possible this is all being experienced more negatively than it has to be. For your children, you could put a more positive spin on this rather than a negative one.

OpheliaDev1 · Guru

"But he is not one of those grandparents I see with their friends who come to every award program at school or every dance recital (he has missed 2 of Hip Hop's so far) or every birthday party (he missed one because he was mad at me and got pissy and did not show up even though he knew he was wanted there), field trip, class party, etc."

Well, I will say that I actually find it weird when you see grandparents at stuff like that. Grandparents on a class field trip? Really? People do that?

But him skipping a birthday party b/c he was "pissy" is mean and immature and not okay.

At this age, I attend my nephew's bday parties b/c I actually enjoy watching a bunch of toddlers run around. But I probably won't by the time he is age 6 or so. Because frankly, he'll have better things to do at a party with his friends then hang out with his aunt. But I won't skip a party b/c I'm pissy at his mom (my sister). I'll skip it b/c I don't want to go. But I will take my nephew to a movie or something for his bday.

Forty-two · Guru

BA we all feel differently but I just can't imagine giving a crap about whether or not any family member gave my kids something for their birthdays but I am adamantly against have BDay parties every year.

aberswyth · Member

Forty-two! Hello!

I admit I don't understand birthday parties for one or two-year-olds.

Forty-two · Guru

Hey Abers!

I don't either and I don't think kids need presents for birthdays. I don't think you should teach kids that but to each her own.

Balloon Animal · Guru

OpheliaDev1 wrote:
"But he is not one of those grandparents I see with their friends who come to every award program at school or every dance recital (he has missed 2 of Hip Hop's so far) or every birthday party (he missed one because he was mad at me and got pissy and did not show up even though he knew he was wanted there), field trip, class party, etc."

Well, I will say that I actually find it weird when you see grandparents at stuff like that. Grandparents on a class field trip? Really? People do that?

But him skipping a birthday party b/c he was "pissy" is mean and immature and not okay.

At this age, I attend my nephew's bday parties b/c I actually enjoy watching a bunch of toddlers run around. But I probably won't by the time he is age 6 or so. Because frankly, he'll have better things to do at a party with his friends then hang out with his aunt. But I won't skip a party b/c I'm pissy at his mom (my sister). I'll skip it b/c I don't want to go. But I will take my nephew to a movie or something for his bday.

went on one today and yes there were probably 15 grandparents there that I saw. I will see a ton at field day tomorrow too.

Now for the record I don't want or expect him to go on field trips or attend every 9 week award ceremony or field day etc. I do think it will not hurt him to attend the 2 recitals Hip Hop has a year. My Dad is retired and in very good health. So besides him not wanting to, there is no reason why he can't. Now I would not expect him to attend every game in a season every weekend, but twice a year is not that much.

He did not come to Merida's Girl Scout initiation either and I invited him to that.

The kids think he hung the moon just like I did when I was a kid. Because kids don't see that while he is around he is so fun but then they don't think about all the times he was not around when he should have been. Apparently my mom said he bitched about attending my things when I was a kid too and bitched about having to pay for my extra curriculars when he had plenty of money.

-- Edited by Balloon Animal on Thursday 15th of May 2014 09:00:58 PM

Forty-two · Guru

BA why would you want to make someone attend something they have no desire to attend? It is not like he is missing a wedding or something really important. Hell I don't even want to attend my kids' birthday parties be damned if I would expect anyone else to attend if they did not want to.

Balloon Animal · Guru

Forty-two wrote:
BA why would you want to make someone attend something they have no desire to attend? It is not like he is missing a wedding or something really important. Hell I don't even want to attend my kids' birthday parties be damned if I would expect anyone else to attend if they did not want to.

Because my kids want their Grandpa there. And when they see all the other grandparents there, they are going to want theirs there even more.

-- Edited by Balloon Animal on Thursday 15th of May 2014 09:23:58 PM

Forty-two · Guru

BA tell them he can't come to everything, they need to accept that you don't want them to grow up spoiled and think everything is about them

ana · Senior Member

Just because a child wants something, doesn't mean they get to dictate an adult's actions.

Balloon Animal · Guru

ana wrote:
Just because a child wants something, doesn't mean they get to dictate an adult's actions.

Did you get that anywhere I said anything about the kids dictating anyone's actions?

ana · Senior Member

You expect your father to show up to events because your children want him there.

That is allowing their wants to dictate that your father is expected to be there.

And then you reinforce this idea, because you get mad because he doesn't want to attend these things.

Balloon Animal · Guru

Forty-two wrote:
BA tell them he can't come to everything, they need to accept that you don't want them to grow up spoiled and think everything is about them

They already know considering he has failed to come to many things. But it sends a mixed message regardless because my mom always comes to the important stuff. And they see all the other kids grandparents at all the important stuff.

I am pretty sure I read from a therapist that you can never "spoil" by giving too much love and support. You only spoil by allowing bad behaviors or too many material things. That is like saying don't hug your kids too much, you might spoil them. Showing up to watch your grandchild dance in a recital they have been working hard on for 6 months is not spoiling. Calling to tell them happy birthday on their birthday is not spoiling.

Balloon Animal · Guru

ana wrote:
You expect your father to show up to events because your children want him there.

That is allowing their wants to dictate that your father is expected to be there.

And then you reinforce this idea, because you get mad because he doesn't want to attend these things.

So they are supposed to not ask him to attend then? I will never get mad at my kids for wanting a loved one to show them love and support.

-- Edited by Balloon Animal on Thursday 15th of May 2014 09:54:55 PM

ana · Senior Member

But putting expectations on the people in their lives is not healthy.

Grandpa has free will and should not be expected to do everything because the other grandparents are. He did his job, he raised his children.

Really, can you not see that?

You are setting your children up for disappointment.

Forty-two · Guru

I am not seeing the mixed message. If he said I would love to come then never show up that would be a mixed message.

I think it is creating spoiled behavior to expect people to show up for your events.

ana · Senior Member

Balloon Animal wrote:
ana wrote:
You expect your father to show up to events because your children want him there.

That is allowing their wants to dictate that your father is expected to be there.

And then you reinforce this idea, because you get mad because he doesn't want to attend these things.

So they are supposed to not ask him to attend then? I will never get mad at my kids for wanting a loved one to show them love and support.

-- Edited by Balloon Animal on Thursday 15th of May 2014 09:54:55 PM

But you should also not get mad if he doesn't want to. Grandparents should be allowed to say No.

Balloon Animal · Guru

He does say "no". All the time. As I already stated. I don't have to be okay with it. If it is something he wants to do, he is there. But doing something for someone else is where someone's true character lies. Like I said, 2 recitals a year is not a lot to ask. 3 calls a year on a birthday or sending 3 cards a year is not that much to ask for.

Turn it around: would you say I was a bad daughter if I forgot to send him a birthday card or call him on his birthday? Probably. So there you go. I always make sure he gets a card, maybe a present and a call on his birthday, father's day, christmas.

-- Edited by Balloon Animal on Thursday 15th of May 2014 10:02:00 PM

Forty-two · Guru

Balloon Animal wrote:
He does say "no". All the time. As I already stated. I don't have to be okay with it. If it is something he wants to do, he is there. But doing something for someone else is where someone's true character lies. Like I said, 2 recitals a year is not a lot to ask. 3 calls a year on a birthday or sending 3 cards a year is not that much to ask for.

Turn it around: would you say I was a bad daughter if I forgot to send him a birthday card or call him on his birthday? Probably. So there you go. I always make sure he gets a card, maybe a present and a call on his birthday, father's day, christmas.

-- Edited by Balloon Animal on Thursday 15th of May 2014 10:02:00 PM

I wouldn't think you were a bad daughter as that is not how I define bad. I don't think I am a bad mother when i don't give my kids BDay parties.

-- Edited by Forty-two on Thursday 15th of May 2014 10:37:42 PM

winds55 · Guru

It's quite obvious that nothing your father does is going to be good enough for you. Hell, you've changed your posts here to make him look like a horrible man when you didn't get the IVYs you wanted. Maybe he's decided it's not worth his sanity to kowtow to your demands. If your kids get disappointed, it's on YOU, not your father.

Balloon Animal · Guru

Winds: are you talking about me editing my posts? I just do that because I make a lot of spelling or grammar errors I correct or instead of making another post if I need to say more I just edit and add more.

the thing about him spanking my son was brought up by Ophelia, not me. I was not going to even bring that up.

Balloon Animal · Guru

Forty-two wrote:
Balloon Animal wrote:
He does say "no". All the time. As I already stated. I don't have to be okay with it. If it is something he wants to do, he is there. But doing something for someone else is where someone's true character lies. Like I said, 2 recitals a year is not a lot to ask. 3 calls a year on a birthday or sending 3 cards a year is not that much to ask for.

Turn it around: would you say I was a bad daughter if I forgot to send him a birthday card or call him on his birthday? Probably. So there you go. I always make sure he gets a card, maybe a present and a call on his birthday, father's day, christmas.

-- Edited by Balloon Animal on Thursday 15th of May 2014 10:02:00 PM
I wouldn't think you were a bad daughter as that is not how I define bad. I don't think I am a bad mother when i don't tie my kids BDay parties.

"tie my kids Bday parties"? What did you mean there?

Forty-two · Guru

I meant give my kids birthday parties.