My former BFF of like 10 years and her husband is DH's BFF even more than 10 years and also my good friend, was being a drama queen for about a year. I tried to be a good friend to her as much as I could. It got to the point she would just say mean mean things to me out of nowhere or over little things just to hurt me and try to get me to fight with her. I would not engage and would just say something like "I am sorry you feel that way." Just because I would not be baited into a big fight with her. I did everything I could for her like watching her DD for her all the time and when her DD was having trouble with potty training I came over to help and promised her Little Mermaid underpants and a little Mermaid doll if she would be good about going in the potty. Then when she did so, I delivered even though that meant I drove to several stores to find the Little Mermaid underpants. That is the kind of stuff I did as a friend to her. I loved her little girl to death. I was there in the delivery room when she was born for goodness sake.
But finally out of nowhere BFF just messages me and says she wants "A break" from us. I was just like .........okay...........then even then would not fight with her just told her she broke my heart and I would have hugged all of them tighter if I knew that was the last time I would see them. Then I blocked her on facebook. I blocked her not to be mean but because I did not want her fb snooping on us and because it was too painful to see pictures of her DD and them and stuff without being able to actually be in their lives. I did it for my own sanity.
Fast forward that was in November right before my birthday. Christmas passes and she sends gifts to my kids through the mail from her kids. I think my friend was going through post partum depression, she just had a baby in Sept. I think she always tries to make me the scapegoat for everything and all her problems. Anyway, I did see her a couple times at events with mutual friends. I was polite but distant as was she. I treated her like I would treat anyone else. It broke my heart because her DD that was just so close to me and would run to me when she saw me acted like she forgot who I was in such a short period of time. She is 3. My kids miss them too but steered mostly clear of them.
Well last night 5 months later DH and I go out to the club. This is the club that we all used to go to together sometimes. She walks in with two of her friends because it was her birthday celebration. Her birthday was a week ago abouts. She kinda freaked when she saw us and like turned around and made a little scene. So I was like "Okay...." Then DH and I went about our business and danced and talked to a friend. Then finally she comes over to us and tries to start talking to us. She claims she is really drunk because they got there about an hour ago and she has been drinking since. DH and I were polite to her and talked to her. Just like we would anyone else that we know.
Then she tries to hug me and I let her. She writes me a message on my phone saying "I am sorry I hurt you". I tell her that is fine and I am sorry that for whatever reason she thinks I failed her as a friend because I never meant to. That was the thing she never had any specific reason to do this. I could understand that. Adults if they want a break from someone just don't hang out with them for a couple weeks. No big deal. I don't bug her. We got our own busy lives. I got three kids to raise! So it was like she wanted to just completely kick us out of their lives for some reason and that was very very hurtful to us. I would NEVER have done that to her. I told her DH that at one point because now that we have kids we can't do that to the kids to go in and out of their lives like that. Before kids we used to have fights and not talk for 5 months or whatever and then make up. I just don't have the energy to do that anymore.
I told her that she only is saying that because she is drunk. She said that was not it but I am skeptical. Plus I am not sure I want to be her friend anymore. I did not like her abuse she was throwing my way. I am not just going to jump back in and be her friend after what she did to me. DH lost his best friend too because she basically made that decision for him that she does not want us around. He just goes along with whatever she says in that way but I don't think he wanted us gone. He is not like that.
So this morning DH said he noticed she unblocked him on facebook. She did not try to friend him though. I am not unblocking her as of right now. If she wants to contact me she has my address, phone number and email. That should be enough. I am hesitant about this. I just cannot go through that again and part of me just wonders if she wants to rub in my face she has a new best friend or something. A mutual friend of ours told me she has some new best friend she runs around with all the time. I just don't wanna see or hear about that.
That's too much drama for me and I'd consider myself lucky thas she is the one who wanted the break so that I wouldn't have had to put up with even more drama if/when I had made that decision.
I'd unfriend her on FB and consider her an ex-friend.
I agree with AG. Also, it doesn't seem like you really want to re-friend her. In your whole post, you didn't anything positive you got out of the friendship. The entire back story was full of reasons why NOT to give it another go, not one reason why you should. Just what you gave her. That doesn't sound very balanced to me, it's draining to always be the giver in a relationship.
It's like you feel you should want to give her a chance because you've known her for so long, but don't actually want to. You shouldn't have to talk yourself into a friendship.
That is actually one of her "reasons" she wanted a "Break" from our friendship. She said something about that just because we have a history does not mean we should still be friends or something like that.
I do miss her. I miss her husband and her kids. I miss the good her. The girl that was my BFF for years. She kinda turned into a different person that last six months or so and that girl was a hot mess. Just jumping on me for everything I did and blaming all her probs in life on me somehow. Maybe now that I am gone she has to find someone else to blame stuff on. DH misses his best friend. I know that. DH only has like 3 friends to his name so its a big deal he lost him. We never even got to speak to him about any of this. In the past when we had big fights and stopped talking her DH always was not for that. So I doubt he is for it this time either. He also does not have a lot of close friends and I am sure he misses DH.
I wonder if he is pushing her to mend fences? Or I suspected she regretted her decision the minute she did it. Thus why she mailed the Christmas gifts to the kids after not even speaking to us for a month. I certainly did not mail her kids gifts to her.She also had people pass on messages to me which was unnecessary. If you tell me you want a break from me, I give you a break. Meaning I won't have anything to do with you. . Which is what I have done besides being polite to her at parties when I have to see her. Because I won't start drama at someone else's party.
I miss the good times we had. I miss having someone that has known me so long and knows everything about me. My kids miss them. Robot got mad at us one day and packed his bags and said he was moving to Miss H's house. I had to explain to him that Miss H is not talking to us anymore. It makes get togethers really awkward now with our mutual friends because of the whole elephant in the room thing with us in the same place at the same time. I hate that. I miss hanging out at her house and going to her fun parties.
BUT I don't trust that the drama part of her is gone forever. I doubt it is. And I cannot deal with that anymore. I think I am happier without her right now. You just get thrown for a loop when someone like that tries to come back in your life when you had just gotten used to them being gone. She went out of her way to hurt me even when we were not talking hoping I would hear about it through the grapevine. The funny part is I don't freaking care. I don't think it bothered me as much as she thought it would. Stuff like her befriending someone who was really mean to me a long time ago. The thing is, it did not bother me. They probably have a lot in common LOL, giving me ****.
She just was not there for me when I needed her. I was going through a lot of serious stuff back in Nov abouts when she just dumped me. I guess it was not all about her enough and she could not handle anyone else getting attention besides her (I had several relatives have bad medical and mental episodes).
But part of me is in conflict because I am the type of person who never turns a back on a friend. I feel like my friends are friends for life. As an only child friends are like family to me. So there is that part tugging me in one direction and the other part of me tugging me in the other. -- Edited by Balloon Animal on Sunday 25th of May 2014 06:47:55 PM
-- Edited by Balloon Animal on Sunday 25th of May 2014 06:50:52 PM
You say you're the type of person who never turns a back on a friend......but nothing you've posted gives me any reason to believe this woman is a friend to you.
I've learned the hard way not to keep toxic people in my life and not to let them back in when they've walked away from me. It's hard to do but I don't need the drama or stress from toxic friends in my life.
You say you're the type of person who never turns a back on a friend......but nothing you've posted gives me any reason to believe this woman is a friend to you.
I've learned the hard way not to keep toxic people in my life and not to let them back in when they've walked away from me. It's hard to do but I don't need the drama or stress from toxic friends in my life.
This is about where I am at. I just don't have any room for drama when I already have enough to deal with with Robot and the other kids and my family having medical issues and so on.
I agree with the other posters - I don't think you should refriend her. I certainly don't think you should jump back in b/c she says so. Possibly it was PPD. Maybe just keep her mentally in the "woman I know box" and let her see if she's changed enough to be returned to the "friend" box.
And you keep making excuses for her husband - but he's almost as guilty. NOTHING was stopping him from, say, calling your DH when he was at work or something, and at least leaving the lines of communication open.
I think your points about the children were very valid. It looks to me like it wasn't just adult friendships but that your two families were very close, and she chose to tear that asunder. For no particular reason.
Throttle down your urge to do her kindnesses and favors. Brutally retrain yourself so that when (not if, but when) she comes to you and needs somebody to pick up her kids or keep them for the weekend or drive her to the airport, you don't immediately jump in with, "I'll do it!" And make sure your husband does the same. NO FAVORS for this family.
I have decided not to unblock her on fb or refriend her. I will however if or when I see her at mutual friends parties or out about town, speak to her politely and kindly and chit chat on a casual level. I won't act like I don't know her anymore or anything. So I will be friendly and not cold. But, I am not jumping back on that friend train. LOL Which I was kinda doing the above anyway but at first I kinda just completely ignored her because it was shortly after she "broke" up with us and I needed to still process it. Now I think I can speak with her and keep it casual without getting upset or anything.
Yes, Ophelia, we were more like siblings or inlaws. I was the MOH in her wedding and she was the MOH in mine. I was there when her DD was born in the OR. I was her freaking labor coach! She was in the hospital when some of my kids were born and often went to ultrasounds and stuff like that with me. I watched her DD all the time for her. She did not really return the favor but I was okay with that. I enjoyed her little girl. My kids are all kinda grown now and out of baby stage so I like getting to love on a baby now and again.
But after she started the mean thing at me, I pulled away some and stopped offering to watch her DD as much. I don't do favors for people that treat me like crap. I was still her friend though and actually was starting to do favors again for her because right before she did this I offered to come get her DD one day so she could have some rest time with the new baby. And then she did this. So yeah.....I don't get it and I am over it.
It hurts the kids too much and I can't get involved again only for her to dump us again. That hurts the kids.
"It hurts the kids too much and I can't get involved again only for her to dump us again. That hurts the kids."
ITA. If there were no kids involved, I might see more room for being open to renewing the relationship. But there are. It's not just about your feelings, her issues, etc. It's also about having an almost familial relationship in your children's lives abruptly severed.
And while you and your DH might be able to resume a more restrained relationship with them, while also guarding your hearts from being too involved, your kids can't do that. I think where the kids are involved, this may be an "all or nothing" situation. Either get back their Auntie and Uncle BFF and their pseudo-cousins, or they don't.
well said Ophelia. Her DD was like their cousin. They adored her. They still talk about her and BFF and Hubby. It hurts.
I also agree with what other people said about her DH. Trust me, I do blame him for not even having the decency to tell DH himself that he no longer wants to be friends. He just let her speak for him and just end it with his BF. That is cold. Then when DH and him saw each other at a party he did not speak to DH. They all sat at a table the whole party and would not get up and mingle so there was no way DH could talk to him without like going over there and interjecting himself into it and all the chairs at that table were full. It was very weird. They don't let their DD run and play with the other kids much at the parties we are at much either. She just sits in their laps the whole time. Its weird. The little girl went from being super outgoing to super shy fast and it could have a lot to do with having a new sibling but I don't know.....its weird.
Her husband like my husband does not have a lot of friends so he let his wife run away his longest and closest friends. He is a wimp when it comes to standing up to her.
He was really mad about it at first like me. Now he I think is open to giving them another chance since she apologized but he is not the one that has to deal with her as much as I do. If he wants to try to hang out with the DH he is welcome to. I would have no problem with that. I doubt she would let it happen though. She is uber controlling. He is also okay with just not engaging anymore either. He was uber pissed about how she treated me and the whole "breaking up" with us thing. He said what adult breaks up with someone? They just don't hang out for awhile. Good Lord. She loves drama and that was all that was about. She thought I would throw a big fit about it, but she did not get what she wanted. I was just like "Okay that hurts me and I will miss you but whatever you want." Then I did not badmouth to anyone or make people pick sides or anything like that. I think she did not expect that amount of maturity from me.
