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huckleberry


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Tell Me a Joke
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'Cause I have a nasty cold, too much work to do, and am feeling slightly sorry for myself. 



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alice underground


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What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

Spoiler


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alice underground


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Hope you feel better soon.

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huckleberry


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alice underground wrote:

Hope you feel better soon.

 Your very fine joke will help! thanks

 



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Papa Bear


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Would lawyer jokes help? (They always help me.)

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huckleberry


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Papa Bear wrote:

Would lawyer jokes help? (They always help me.)

 Oh certainly (though I've probably heard most of them by now)

 

My favorite was when my nine-year-old taped a recipe to the refrigerator for "three-layer meat loaf," changing "layer" to "lawyer"



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Apple


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Q: What do female lawyers use for birth control?





























A: Their personalities.


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RichardInTN


I believe in I.D.I.C.

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George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."

George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.

When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelledback, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air."

George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee, George," Lenny replied, "How can you tell?" George answered, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless".

The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the man replied, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

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RichardInTN


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You Might Be A Lawyer If....

You are charging someone for reading these jokes.

The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.

You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.

Your other car is a BMW.

When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.

When your spouse says "I love you," you cross-examine them.

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"Yabba Dabba Doo" - Frederick J. Flintstone... So what?
(Judd Nelson as Atty. Robin 'Stormy' Weathers in "From the Hip")
 
My board (everyone welcome): Great Escape
RichardInTN


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Why God Created Lawyers

Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"

And so God created lawyers.

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"Yabba Dabba Doo" - Frederick J. Flintstone... So what?
(Judd Nelson as Atty. Robin 'Stormy' Weathers in "From the Hip")
 
My board (everyone welcome): Great Escape
RichardInTN


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And, of course... from a favorite movie of mine:

Max Reede: My dad? He's... a liar.
Teacher: A liar? I'm sure you don't mean a liar.
Max Reede: Well, he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge.
Teacher: Oh, you mean he's a lawyer.

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"Yabba Dabba Doo" - Frederick J. Flintstone... So what?
(Judd Nelson as Atty. Robin 'Stormy' Weathers in "From the Hip")
 
My board (everyone welcome): Great Escape
RichardInTN


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I hope those made you smile!

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"Yabba Dabba Doo" - Frederick J. Flintstone... So what?
(Judd Nelson as Atty. Robin 'Stormy' Weathers in "From the Hip")
 
My board (everyone welcome): Great Escape
huckleberry


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RichardInTN wrote:

I hope those made you smile!

 Yes!

 

Though the first one is almost too true to be funny...



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Papa Bear


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Homeless family, starving, is out in field. So intense is their hunger that they have taken to eating grass.

Along drives a Lexus sedan, which suddenly stops. Driver is a lawyer. He gets out, asks what's going on.

"Why are you eating grass?"

Bums: "We're that hungry, we ain't et in three days."

Lawyer: "Get in my car! I'll feed you."

Bums: "Really?!" They're excited.

Lawyer:

Spoiler



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KattyKatzz


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What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?

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huckleberry


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HA HA HA HA!

I still feel terrible but enjoyed the jokes.

You probably have all heard about the American Bar Association suing the National Institute of Health over the decision to use lawyers instead of lab rats. The NIH won, because the court found that lab assistants tend to get too attached to rats, but don't have that problem with lawyers. Also,PETA gets upset about doing nasty things to rats but no one cares if you experiment on lawyers. Lastly, the court observed that there are some things even a rat won't do...

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kapper


I am always right, unless I am wrong.

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Ten Thoughts to Ponder


Number 10 -- Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 -- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.

Number 8 --- Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him
without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 --- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months,
maybe years.

Number 6 --- Some people are like a Slinky - not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 -- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the
hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 -- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

Number 3 -- Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a
substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2 -- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought -- Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you
do today, might burn your ass tomorrow. - - - and as someone recently said
to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long".


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Make up your mind to be happy and happiness usually comes your way.
Lady Paint


Horse Junky. Dog Flunky.

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What is purple, wears a mask and rides a white horse?

 

Spoiler



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Lady Paint


Horse Junky. Dog Flunky.

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What is purple and swings from tree to tree?

Spoiler



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Lady Paint


Horse Junky. Dog Flunky.

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Why did the elephant wear red sneakers?

Spoiler



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Lady Paint


Horse Junky. Dog Flunky.

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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.



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Desdenova


Motherhood: Sleep is for the weak!!

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Lady Paint wrote:

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 biggrin

Poor Bob... That was a very dumb move of him no



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huckleberry


Senior Member

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and of course you all know how a lawyer sleeps?

First she lies on one side, then she lies on the other.

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RichardInTN


I believe in I.D.I.C.

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Q: What do you call a bus full of lawyers being pushed off a cliff?

A: A good start.

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"Yabba Dabba Doo" - Frederick J. Flintstone... So what?
(Judd Nelson as Atty. Robin 'Stormy' Weathers in "From the Hip")
 
My board (everyone welcome): Great Escape
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