These are all tough issues to engage in so far down the path of parenting and marriage. In other words, the issue with discussions about school, performance, and jobs would start for children while they are in kindergarten, at least it does in my circles. The same with marriage and children. In terms of spouses, money, and parental roles of course that discussion starts even when considering marriage to a person.
I feel bad for your situation but I have no words of advice when the horse is so far out of the barn on so many fronts. At least you all have your health is all I can say, while it may sound trite it is not something to take for granted.
-- Edited by Forty-two on Wednesday 19th of December 2012 08:33:34 AM
I can't leave a full reply right now, I'm in the middle of morning kid rush. I did want to say before I signed off that your problems aren't "nothing". It is ok to feel the way you do about the things you mentioned. Yes, people out there have it worse but you know what? There is ALWAYS someone who is going to have it worse. It doesn't mean your problems are "petty". (((HUGS))) I will be back later with more of a real response. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.
I'm going to start typing this and I know the power is going to go out on me and I'll lose it all but the writing itself is theraputic so here's my thought vomit.
I ended up going to the party last night. It seemed like it would be more hassle to -not- go and end up spending the rest of the year making amends for flaking than to just go so I went. It really was the most important one of the season and my husband would have looked really bad had I not shown up so I went. It didn't start until 7pm and I was home by a quarter after 10 so I still had plenty of time to get #4 set up and then check everything before I went to bed.
Husband appreciated it. I could tell. Funny thing is I've been getting more and more pissed as the days go by that he's not giving me the attention that I want and I suspect that last night he would have but by the time I got to bed he was already asleep. If something doesn't happen soon I think somebody's gonna get bitten. I don't care who!
Enough of that.
Reverse order of my problems which I've had time to think about. Husband --ugh. Not enough energy to go into it.
bff-- not really an issue I'm doing his party. It's not until next December. I'll figure it out.
#1--Didn't want to talk about a wedding. She wanted to talk about moving. She likes her in-laws but doesn't want to live with them anymore. Her fiance has a job offer in SD where he can earn enough to allow her to stay home with the baby but she'd have no friends or family. Her Aunt offered her a job in OR that would be perfect for her except for the fact that she can't drive. She doesn't know what to do but I'm not worried. They both have good heads on their shoulders. I'm sure they'll figure it out.
#2--I told her I'm not doing Vegas in August. It's out of the question. She can pick someplace cooler or she can come with us in December. Ms. Smart Ass said she wants to go to Australia. Very funny.
#3-- My priority with my kids isn't in helping them choose a career from a young age. From a young age my goal has always been on managing your life no matter what job you choose. It wouldn't matter to me if she was an actress, an athlete or an astronaut. The point is you earn your money doing whatever you want but you you OWN your life. I can't understand how #2 and #3 decided to live their lives at such opposite extremes of the values they were taught. #2 is this colorful bird flitting around without a care in the world embracing freedom and no responsibility while #3 wants to give up all of her freedom and have her employer dictate her life. I don't get it. I always thought I was so normal. I thought normal boring people churned out normal boring kids. Why does my kid have pink hair and holes in her face? And the other one has no hair and wants to join the military? Neither of those things makes sense to me.
#4 -- She managed to reach her goal and three of her four teachers sent home hand written letters today (no school tomorrow due to storm) All of the letters are happy holidays type letters one saying how much 'enrichment' #4 will receive by staying in the public program and how much he enjoys her. The other two noting her progress and saying they hope she continues. Those two each sent advance work so she can be ahead when school resumes. That was thoughtful.
The party tonight I don't need to worry about. Cancelled due to storm. We'll see from there.
I'm glad things calmed down for you a little bit DQM. Sounds like one of those times where everything tries to explode at once. I don't have any good advice, just a listening "ear" because I know how much it helps me to have a place to vent.
Thanks for that. It does help to have a place to vent.
My kids attend excellent schools. It's embarrassing to admit that my kid is doing so poorly so obviously this is not something that I'm sharing with the girlfriends. I was going to be doing a temporary independent study session with her anyway for four weeks so there's my built in excuse if anyone asks.
-Oh Dq, I see #4 is no longer in public school? What's wrong? Your kid couldn't cut it? -Le gasp. My child you say? Heavens no. I had to take over her education because of other more exotic reasons. As soon as I finish making up something really good I'll get back to you.
I've got a dentist appointment in the am and then meeting with the independent study coordinator in the pm.
I have three options of programs from which to choose. The program that I was already set to use is one that runs in conjuction with the public school. The other two are totally separate. I can't say that they are "better" but they are both highly rated. The only problem I have with switching at this point is that we're already used to the websites, books and study methods that she's been using for the first half of the year. I hate to change schools on her and perhaps miss some units if they didn't learn things in the same order or make her switch to a whole new standard if it's different.
Silly me never made a final decision because I thought we had this under control and that she would remain in her current program. NOPE Nope nope nope
I was also under the impression that if we went with the program through the school that she was entitled to use the same materials plus come in and use the schools labs and equipment as needed but when I spoke to her Social studies teacher yesterday she told me we have to turn the book and materials back in.
No one else said that so she may be mistaken or she might be the only one assuming that I'm choosing one of the private programs.
There's question #1 on my list tomorrow.
It so sucks to be her too because 8th grade tradition in our school district is the egg drop and she may be the only one of my kids who will not be participating. It's a really big deal around here and I'm holding it over her head that she will not be going to the school and doing the extra stuff like that. Every school competes, the winners from each school compete at the college and the winning school gets the glory of having the golden frying pan until the next year. Too bad so sad but if she doesn't buckle down I won't even let her enter. I will also threaten her within an inch of her life plus missing walking the line at graduation if she gives me any **** and doesn't master her studies.
Who invented 13 year olds anyway!?
UUUUGGGH! 5 more years lord give me strength.
Hell give me strength for the 5 more MONTHS to finish the 2nd Semester.
And now as is my wont, an obligatory baby photo. This one to include the offending child who although aggravating for the past several months I will grudingly admit is a pretty good kid when she's not being sneaky or lazy. She's also a wonderful and proud auntie.
-- Edited by dqm either on Friday 24th of May 2013 12:18:36 AM
Report cards come out this Friday so I went to the school yesterday to check on #4's progress and see if there was anything more that she could do to end the quarter/semester in better standing.
I came to find out that she signed herself back into choir.
This may not sound like a big deal in the grand scheme of things but the fact that she has no grade higher than a C+ (with the exception of band and choir where she is getting A's) is NOT NOT NOT ok!
Sorry I'm yelling here in order to not strangle my child.
That's not all either. She gets out of school at 3pm and is supposed to come straight home. Yet regularly she'd been coming home at 5. First excuse, oh ummmm it was snowing and I was waiting for a ride from Cierra's Mom and we thought she was coming right away but we had to wait for her to get off work.
Me- ok fine but I called you and you didn't answer why not? her- oh um I keep my phone on vibrate so I didn't hear it. Me- even if you didn't hear my call you should have called me. No excuse. You need to come straight home from school every day. No staying out. her- yes Mom.
Next day
Me- it's 5 o'clock. You were supposed to be home two hours ago. her- oh um, we had a group project and I had to stay after school. Me- really? who was the student advisor? her- wha? Me- The student advisor? What's their name? They don't let you stay after without assigning someone to the group. Who was it so I can call. her- It was Mr. W. (her choir and band instructor) Me- OH, so you're telling me you signed up to be in a play? her- yes Me- Oh hell no! You need to tell Mr. W that you can't be in the play.
As of yesterday when I went to the school she still hadn't told him that she is not allowed to be in the play and that's when I found out she signed herself back up for choir.
The main reason I wanted her to stay in public school is so that she could remain in band and have a chance of being in band in HS but this is the last straw. I almost don't care if she doesn't make it into band next year. If she wants it bad enough she's going to have to get in on the merits of what she's got now because as of tomorrow she's home schooled.
On a happier note #3 is pulling down 8/8 A's and got a letter of recommendation from her Business Law teacher. She has also asked for permission to get a job which I've agreed to and informed #4 that she will now be in charge of all of her sister's household chores since she's going to be home.
I was going to PM you tonight to see if you were doing ok. I know you had a lot going on and with the board issues none of us have really got to chat lately. I am sorry things haven't worked out dqm. I hope home school gets things turned around.
She is a gorgeous girl. This sounds like a lot of frustration for you. Have you talked o your teachers regarding how she is in class, does she space out or what?
Yes, she spaces out and she keeps saying "I forgot" when they ask her where her work is. There was a 200 point assignment that I KNOW she did because I helped her do it. Yet there was no record of her turning it in. I'd tell her "ask your teacher about it ask your teacher about it ask your teacher about it"
She'd go to school and forget to ask. She turned it in but she didn't put her name on it and by the time she got around to asking the teacher about it she lost 50 points Ugggh!
The teachers say the same thing on their end. Yes, she spaces out and they don't play. They cover material and if she doesn't keep up she gets left behind then I have to come and do make up work with her and she only gets 75% which is why her grades are in the C range.
Kali,
She's not learning disabled she's in the GATE program. She can do the work but she's going through some frustrating phase where I have to MAKE her do it. I don't mind making her do it if that's what I have to do but the way things stand I can only see on the website that her work hasn't been turned in after it's already late. That's not effective becaue late work is an automatic points off. She's never going to get her grades up like this.
I gave her chance after chance to prove that she could work in the system but she tried to end run me and she's just not listening so unfortunately she's under my thumb for the 2nd half of the year.
I have to do what I have to do until she gets the message because while I'm confident that I can do it this year there are classes in HS that I'm not qualified to teach and I want her to go to the public HS.
So the coordinator called me today and rescheduled our appointment to Friday but I did get my questions answered.
She will be using all the same materials except in one class which is Language Arts. We do have to return her books to her classroom teachers but she then goes and checks the exact same books out from the independant study program.
Ok, I'm going to give you hugs for kids 1, 2 and 4. For your DH, I'm going to remind you that no one looks good in prison orange. Bff, well, sounds like you've got that in hand.
For kid #3, I'd say the military is a perfectly reasonable and normal option. Truthfully, you saying that people who join the military are not normal, or come from abnormal families is pretty offensive. But I'll give you a pass since you're stressed out. I have the benefit of having gone to college straight out of high school, and also enlisted in the military. When I was in college, there were a lot of other kids who were there strictly because it was expected of them. They had no real idea of what they wanted to study, what career path they wanted to pursue, or how to get there. These were kids who changed majors every year, got mediocre grades because they didn't give a **** about any of their classes, and after 5 or 6 years still hadn't graduated.
Contrast that with people who enlist in the military, learn a trade or career, learn discipline, learn who they are and where they want to go in life. These are people who use the GI Bill to go to school after they are discharged. People who know what they want, what degree will get them there, and how to work for it. After I got out of the service, I went back to college. The difference between me at that point, and me when I first went to school was huge. I was focused, worked my ass off, studied all the time, got 4.0 every semester, and found that most of the other vets at the school were a lot more like that, than like the 18 year old kids. I also finished school with zero student loan debt, thanks to the GI Bill.
My time in the service was far from the controlling prison you seem to think it is. I got to chose what my specialty training was (navigation), and what units I was assigned to. That meant I got to spend a year on an ice breaker, literally going from one end of the Earth to the other. After that one year, I'd been on 6 continents, had been to 10 countries plus Antarctica, been inside the Arctic Circle, and been through the Panama Canal, twice. My last three years in the Coast Guard, I was stationed in NYC. Since I was at a land unit, and not a ship, I got to explore NYC during my time off. I got to live in NYC, rent free, for 3 years. It was awesome.
I think that joining the military is an awesome decision for a kid who doesn't quite know what path they want to take when they first graduate high school. I think it's far better than shoving a kid straight into college, to either fail out of lack of interest, or racking up huge student loans to pay for all the extra years they spend at college finding themselves. Financially it makes sense. Maturity-wise it makes sense. And you know what? I had a ****ing blast while I was in. Joining the Coast Guard was one of the best decisions of my life.
Thanks for the hugs they're greatly appreciated. As I said this isn't the stuff I'm sharing with the girlfriends so it's either let it out here or risk exploding.
Not really. I know parents are losing their children to violence and bad choices and mine is trying to join a play behind my back so some perspective is in order but a vent is a vent y'know.
I'm really sorry that you felt my words about the military were offensive but normal is a pov and military is not normal to me. I never uttered the words abnormal or said there was anything wrong with it. Just that I didn't think I'd raise a kid who wanted that type of lifestyle.
On the other hand I never imagined #2 would turn out the way she did either. She's asking me if she can move in (I own the house is why she's asking. She's not asking permission, she wants cheap rent) with a guy who has two kids!!!!
She doesn't want kids so I have no idea why she is dating a guy with kids. Grant yes, they live with their mother but still what can she be thinking. Add tothat she's been dating him for two months and her longest relationship so far has been three months. I'm not knocking my kid, #2 is self sufficient has no debt has worked for the same company for over five years all I'm saying is I do not understand her choices. I'm not judging her harshly I'm just saying I don't get it. I feel like I set a good example and her choices are foriegn to me.
For the record I'm more supportive of #3's choices than I am of #2's. I invited her on a trip with me next month and she turned it down because it was a month out of her 2nd semester of junior year and not worth it. She said she's going to travel the world with her job.
Of course I'd love for her to come with and this will be the first time in my life that I'm not with one of my girls on their birthday. Again, I'm cool and I don't think military is prison but it's not exactly freedom either but the point I was trying to emphasize was the contrast between #2 and #3.
One is flitting around (she has a job,no debt and money in the bank but no desire to be serious about anything hence the green or yellow or pink hair plus tounge, lip and belly piercings) and the other at the opposite extreme who is completely serious wants absolute structure and has shaved her head and declared that she wants to die for her country. (Yes she said that)
You cannot fricken blame me for scratching my head and wondering what the hell. You might think one of them is normal and someone else might think the other is normal but they both have me baffled.
Of course if anyone asks they only hear the good stuff. Actually even if they don't ask they hear the good stuff. Hell if there's nothing good I'll make some stuff up. Either that or show them pictures of my granddaughter :0)
DQM...I see you as a mother who loves her children. When they are born you have expectations of what they will do and who they will be: mature responsible adults. Sometimes they don't follow what you think they should and while that isn't always a bad thing it is not always comfortable for the parent either. To me a good parent in this situation will sit back and let their children figure it out on their own, while being there for moral support. That doesn't mean that you don't need somewhere to vent and get your own frustrations out without hurting your child.
I am not in the exact same situation as you but my oldest is not following a path that I hoped for when he was a baby. But he is making his own and I am trying to support him in it while at the same time making him responsible for his actions.
Kali, The funny thing is while you have nothing but pride and love for your child other people probably see him as doing better than you do. Am I right? Whatever his choices that he's making right now I bet your friends are saying he's fine or he'll come around.
I'm sure they are and I'm also sure that they're right. #1 and #2, I'm confident that I did a good job raising them and even though both of them have made a some choices that I wouldn't have made, I'm confident that they will be ok.
At the same time I think #3 and #4 deserve the same mothering and smothering the first two got. I'm not going to quit instilling my values in them. If I throw up my hands now I don't know that when they do become adults that I'll have the same level of confidence in them that I do in their sisters.
Before I start please allow me to explain. I have a pretty good life. I've got a husband that loves me and healthy kids with good heads on their shoulders (mostly). If I were to complain about anything in real life people would lose respect for me. Also, there are some people who don't really 'care' about my feelings. They just want to hear about me getting my feelings hurt so they can feel better about themselves. I don't want to give them the satisfaction but at the same time I don't want to never have a place to set the hurt feelings down.
Does that make sense? I don't want to keep holding it so I come here and set it down and move on.
Ok now my explanation is out of the way. Here's my stupid whine:
My feelings were hurt the other day.
It was my birthday. I admit that it was my fault for not planning anything as I'm usually the one to plan stuff but honestly I didn't know that I was going to feel like going out. It wasn't until the day of that I started getting txt msgs, phone calls, fb msgs, e-mails and all that I felt that perhaps I'd like to be social that night. It was a Saturday night.
So I txt'd some gf's and asked them about going out for a drink. Out of SEVEN people that I txt'd not one was available to have a birthday drink with me.
*agh!
The reason I'm butthurt over it is because whenever they want to go out drinking for their birthdays I'm ALWAYS the dd. In fact we just had this conversation on NYE when none of them wanted to give me a ride up to the ski resort and they all promised that they'd take me out for my birthday. Yet when my birthday came around almost all of them used I forgot (how could you have forgotten when you just sent me a txt wishing me a happy birthday?) or 'I have to go to church in the morning'.
The church excuse really hurt because they know damn well that I don't even drink. Wanting to go out for a drink was really a concession to them. It's not like I was going to have them under the table and not able to make it to Easter services. So yeah, I should have asked them a day or week before if I wanted to go out but they themselves had already promised and I think they should have remembered and if they didn't want to drink the night before Easter they could have just had a coke and caught up with me.
Out of the seven of them I've only missed ONE of their birthdays ONE time (when invited even at the last minute).
So there's my whine for today. More tomorrow. I've been saving them up.
I'm sorry your friends ditched you. You have every reason to be upset about it, and I understand why you wouldn't say anything. It sucks that they have done this to you twice now. Are they usually there for you? Are you the giver in the group? The problem with being the giver is people tend to forget to give back to you after a while. If you pulled back a bit do you think it would help?
How did my husband leave with both cars this morning?! And he went to the shop to work on the 3rd car so somehow he has all three cars and I have none. And had an appointment at church this morning.
I live in a geographically large county with a small population. I am a CASA which means that I work with the courts and advocate for abused or neglected children.
I can request which cases I want to work on and because my county is so large I only accept cases in the south part of the county where I live.
There are currently NO open cases in south county that need to be assigned!
Is that AMAZING or what?!
I mean it's not like it's my personal accomplishment or anything but I feel a sense of pride.
I felt like posting some good stuff before I start complianing again LOL!
Oh and thanks for the birthday wishes and cake. I'm kinda hungry now.
-- Edited by dqm either on Friday 12th of April 2013 05:23:21 PM
Your daughter is planning her wedding? You must be so excited! Congrats!
We don't have snow this weekend either but we do have flooding. We had a bunch of snow this year. It all melted and brought the river up. That was ok until it started to rain... and rain and rain. The river has spilled over the banks in a few areas and caused flooding and closed roads. School was canceled today due to flooding. Thankfully we didn't get most of the rain they were calling for today. Unfortunatly rain is in the forcast for the next WEEK! I just hope they're wrong.
I live on the side of a mountain so no flooding here. Just very late winters. We're still lighting the fire at night but at least in the day time it's nice enough to do yard work. My greenhouse holds my wood in the winter. Once all the wood is gone I go in and plant my cold weather starts. Time to start some lettuce and some beans at least.
I am happy that my daughter is planning her wedding but I'm not in on it so it's not that exciting. I guess I pissed her fiance off. Oh well.
I left for vacation and before I left I told my husband what the plan for the rest of this year's entertaining budget was. Our daughter #2 is turning 21 plus we were throwing a b-day party for our bff Brian. That's it. That's all I have time and money for and maybe not even that because the plan was for me to get a job when I got back from vacay but I home school my daughter now so no job unless it's something on the weekends maybe.
While I was gone #2 went to work on her Daddy. I love my daughter. I love all of them. Number 2 however knows how to work my nerves! I TOLD her I was not giving her a Vegas b-day party in August. Well, when I was gone she convinced her Daddy to get Brian to change his mind so Brian moves his B-day party to her month and she told her sister to get married in Vegas in August in order to save me money. Everyone goes along with her.
So when I get back I get hit with: We're having the two b-day parties plus the wedding in Vegas in August.
Exactly what I didn't want. Yet #2 acts like she's doing me a big favor. This gets tossed on my plate so I started making the plans and right away pissed off the fSIL.
He doesn't want his wedding with #2's 21st b-day. So they are not getting married in August and are going to plan their own wedding, no input from me except whatever I want to help with the budget.
You know what... I'm not even phased. I told them that I wasn't going to do their wedding in the first place so taking me off of it doesn't hurt my feelings at all but getting pissed at me for starting the planning is not fair when #1 let herself get talked into sharing the date by #2 and then she's the one who told ME that she wanted to get married that week. I didn't want to do the party that week/Month AT ALL!
So I end up looking like the pushy MIL trying to take over and get told by #1 that fSIL doesn't want me doing anything. Fine by me but when she asked me what I wanted to contribute to the wedding I said nothing. I'm not the host. I'm a guest.
Now my husband is pissed off at me because he said we're supposed to be paying for her wedding. I walked around to the back of him and bent down by his @sshole but didn't see any money shooting out of it.
I didn't shout but I am no happy. His lack of understanding of how money works is going to be the death of him. There is only so much money. You can't hand me $X,XXX and then tell me to spend it yet expect me to still have it and spend it again and again. I'm not magic! You give me an entertainment budget. I spend it. We stop entertaining. How does anyone in their fourth decade of life not understand that?
Oh this is rich! Husband just called me and told me that his good friend is retiring and told me what he wants to give his friend for his retirement gift.
I have no problem giving his friend the gift but it comes out of the same budget. This is me sitting here watching him ~not~ get it.
. We had a bunch of snow this year. It all melted and brought the river up. That was ok until it started to rain... and rain and rain. The river has spilled over the banks in a few areas and caused flooding and closed roads. School was canceled today due to flooding. Thankfully we didn't get most of the rain they were calling for today. Unfortunatly rain is in the forcast for the next WEEK! I just hope they're wrong.