Rather than starting 25 wedding related threads over the next year here is one place for all of it.
First issue.
I have access to a diamond tiara. I offered it to #1 for her wedding day and she doesn't want to wear it. So I decided to wear it. The grand niece of the person who owns the tiara told me that I shouldn't borrow it because I'd be showing up the bride.
I said
Not possible. No one can outshine a bride on her wedding day.
I don't know how much longer I'm going to have access to it so this might be my last chance of wearing it.
I've never thought about this before but would it look funny for the MOB to wear a tiara if the bride isn't wearing one?
I agree with Velma. It doesn't sound like a good idea. You should check with your daughter before you decide, in case she might feel that you are trying to upstage her.
Do you have a picture of it? I would worry that it might be too much for someone not the bride. I have to admit I don't know that much about tiaras though.
No, no picture of it. The only picture I know of someone wearing it isn't scanned.
The whole wedding thing is floundering. My fSIL has unrealistic exectations and my daughter hates being made a fuss over.
My husband is ticked at me for not taking over and I'm sitting on my hands because I will not be doing that.
So far after being engaged for well over 6 months the only wedding plans that have been finalized are.... oh wait, there are none.
I gently tried to get out of my daughter the main decisions so she could work her way down to the details later.
Budget? How much do you already have saved and/or how much are you saving per month for the party? Where do you want to get married? When do you want to get married OR alternately how long will it take to save enough to get married.
They either don't know, can't decide or can't agree on the answers to these really simple questions.
I'm mean for secretly laughing but I did try to warn her that hosting wasn't going to be as simple as she was making it out to be. But I do pity her a little because I can understand her not wanting to go dress shopping while she was pregnant.
Right now I'm feeling like I jumped the gun a little by starting this thread.
Three of the last four times it was worn were not for a wedding.
It was last worn for a ballet recital. Before that it was worn to the opera. Before that it was worn in a wedding by the bride. And before that a birthday party.
Yikes wow, the person that owns the tiara wore it for her birthday and it sure wasn't her 21st. Try 80.
It makes her happy when her decendents wear it and I'm sure she would be saddened if it only came out at weddings although I admit that's the occasion that first comes to mind when I think of it.
My mother is not her 'real' niece and once Aunt passes I'm sure that none of my mother's decendents will have access to it again so I did want my duaghter to have a chance to wear it. I wore it once when I was a girl but never outside.
I looked around for any pictures of similar jewelry but I couldn't find any. This is the closest I could come
I'm sure those are crystals so understandably this one is more ornate than the one 'we' have.
It's beautiful and I can see why you want to wear it...but it just doesn't strike me as appropriate.
Also, 80 year olds can get away with stuff like that.
I don't see any harm in wearing it to an occassion that celebrates you (like your bday party) or celebrates no one (like the opera), even if it would be a bit OTT. But on a wedding day when you aren't the bride? Nope.
However, if you and your daughter have the kind of relationship where you truly believe that she would openly and honestly say, "Mom, please don't wear a tiara to my wedding" and you ask her and she says, "Sure, go ahead," then why not? Be aware that you will look a bit silly and some folks will probably be judging you harshly for it.
It is very pretty. Much more simple than that one really but sitll very pretty. I wasn't asking about it because I wanted to wear it and my daughter doesn't care if I wear it. She just doesn't want to wear it herself because as I said she hates being made a fuss over and the tiara does come with a bit of a fuss. It's worth about as much as a nice car so borrowing it is a big deal that she'd rather not deal with.
When my mom shared with Aunt (technically she's a Great-Great-Grand-Aunt) that my daughter was engaged Aunt offered it to my mother. It truly makes Aunt happy when people wear it. My mother in turn offered it to me and told me to call my cousin to make arrangements. Rather than call my cousin about getting it, I called my daughter and told her what to do and she said it was too much hassle. So I ended up calling my cousin myself.
I told Cousin that once the date was set I'd get in touch with her about borrowing it as I suspect that the details are what my daughter doesn't want to deal with not the tiara itself. Then she asked me if I was seriously going to borrow it after my daughter already told me no? And I said yeah... if she doesn't want to wear it I'll wear it myself. That's when she said I'd be showing up my daughter to which I of course replied 'not possible'.
But of course that gave me pause so I thought I'd get some opinions.
I suspect that my cousin isn't going to judge me for wearing it. Her concern is most likely about Aunt reconsidering who to leave it to. Aunt wants the tiara used. The two people she'd leave it to are her niece from her older brother (my mother who was adopted) and her grand niece from her younger brother (my cousin). Cousin is 42 and has one teenaged son. My mother is in her 60's with a daughter, 6 granddaughters and one great granddaughter.
I don't have any delusions about who's going to get it when Aunt passes. My mother is not Aunt's blood niece and I'm certain that the tiara is going to stay in the family as Aunt has already given Cousin control over it.
I do plan on borrowing it so that my daughter has the option of wearing it if she wants it but if she doesn't wear it I hope it doesn't hurt Aunts feelings.
Not that you asked this, but do you think your daughter might want to use the tiara in some of her pre-wedding pictures? If so, perhaps send a photo to Aunt.
To borrow the tiara you have to go through some (very reasonable) steps that Cousin has put in place. It's not ~wearing~ the tiara that is Daughter's objection. It's the (what she considers) hassle of getting it. So if Daugter is to wear it, for pictures or anything, I'd be the one signing for it. I called Cousin and let her know that I'd be borrowing in anticipation of Daughter saying yes. That's when she was all you're getting it even though she said no? And I was all- yeah, I'll wear it if she doesn't want to. And Cousin was like are you sure about that. And I was like yeah what. And she was like you're evil.
LMAO
ok not really.
But I'm pretty sure that if I get it for Daughter that she'll wear it. But if I get it and she doesn't want to wear it It'll be a waste of money but worse, it'll be an unintended but still hurtful insult to Aunt.
My intention most assuredly is not to hurt Aunt's feelings. In fact, quite the opposite. I want Daughter to wear it because I know how happy it makes Aunt to share it and this is probably my last opportunity to borrow it as I don't think that I'll be marrying any more daughters in Aunt's lifetime.
Cousin's son is only 18 so it's not likely that his future bride will be wearing it any time soon either.
There are other relatives of course who could borrow it but the precautions that Cousin has put into place are to prevent it from being damaged or stolen which is why it's a bit more difficult for some of the younger generation to borrow it without an established parent's help.
Yikes wow, the person that owns the tiara wore it for her birthday and it sure wasn't her 21st. Try 80.
It makes her happy when her decendents wear it and I'm sure she would be saddened if it only came out at weddings although I admit that's the occasion that first comes to mind when I think of it.
My mother is not her 'real' niece and once Aunt passes I'm sure that none of my mother's decendents will have access to it again so I did want my duaghter to have a chance to wear it. I wore it once when I was a girl but never outside.
I looked around for any pictures of similar jewelry but I couldn't find any. This is the closest I could come
I'm sure those are crystals so understandably this one is more ornate than the one 'we' have.
While this is pretty I would not call it a tiara I would say a crystal headband, versus a tiara that sits up on your head, like half of a crown. Nevertheless, if a someone other than a bride, royalty, a child, or pageant winner was wearing a tiara I would think she looked foolish and silly, the older the wearer the more absurd I would think they looked.
-- Edited by Forty-two on Tuesday 21st of May 2013 10:02:53 AM
There's a little bit of paperwork involved, some insurance issues plus shipping it here and back. I don't know how much it is yet. My daughter hasn't even set her date so I'm not down to details. It's not the cost that I'm worried about. What I'm worried about is going through the process of getting it, getting Aunt all happy about someone wearing it and then shipping it back unused.
@ 42,
The certificate says diamond tiara headband. We all call it The Tiara. Nobody calls it the headband. That doesn't even sound fun.
Maybe you can think of some "back up" plan to use it in case your daughter decides she doesn't want to wear it? Since you think your opportunities to use it in the future may be limited, in your place I'd schedule a photo session with a professional and have professional portraits done of myself, my daughter and other family members wearing it. BTW, don't go to a chain "studio" they will make you buy a ridiculous number of wallet sizes. Find an independent photographer. They are MUCH more flexible on their "packages". You pay a higher upfront cost for the photos, but usually they charge by the hour and then give you a CD of all the photos so you can print whichever ones you want, rather than you having to buy 400 wallets in 2 poses.
As to your first question about tiaras: To say you are jumping the gun is an understatement. It appears the bride is pregnant, and there have been no wedding plans made as of yet, so this leads me to believe this will be a more casual, low key, or hurriedly planned wedding. Tiaras, in my opinion should only be worn by the bride, and then only at a formal wedding. I hate to burst your bubble, but please, forget the tiara.
Second, I totally and completely understand your desire to help plan your DD's wedding, I would feel the same. Moms generally have more experience at planning and hosting dinners, events, and just know the ropes better, and get frustrated when the kids don't get the ball rolling, or don't seem to have a clue how to plan lunch, much less a wedding. But unless you are paying for the wedding, or the couple has ASKED for your help, you are entirely too much involved in all this.
If you really want to be involved in the planning, I suggest you ASK them if they need money and help with guiding them through the planning process/timeline. If they accept your offer, you will all be happier if you truly understand, accept, and acknowledge that you are only guiding them through the process, not making choices for them.
No, the bride isn't pregnant and this wedding is the furthest thing from being hurriedly planned. Hurriedly planned is exactly the opposite of reality as they've been engaged for coming up on a year and they don't plan on getting married until next year sometime in May.
Also no, I'm not planning the wedding, I have no desire to plan it nor am I giving them any money. I already threw them a very nice party last fall and since I did it with no input from anybody ( I briefly considered asking the groom's parents if they wanted to cohost but I'm glad I didn't) I feel like I had my turn and at the next one I'm content to simply be an honored guest.
My husband is a little bit upset with me as this is our first daughter to get married and he wants to host but by that what he means is he wants ME to do all the work so he can walk her down the isle and show her off the way he wants.
I'm sure the kids (young adults) can handle this and her Daddy will be very proud of her no matter what. They'll be very proud of themselves as well.
Now, the tiara has nothing to do with planning the wedding. All I did was let my daughter know the steps she has to go through to get it if she wants it. Right now I can see how with the macros not even taken care of how she would not want to get into micro details like insurance forms and shipping dates and costs. That's perfectly understandable so my thought was; when the time comes, if I take the hassle out of getting it for her and I have the responsibiltiy of borrowing it she might be able to enjoy it rather than worry about it.
Knowing her if I get it she'll want to wear it but since she already said no thanks I have to "hear" her on that and not assume (even though I'm pretty sure) that she'll wear it if I get it.
I mean she does not have a dress picked out and I have no idea how she wants to wear her hair. It's waaaaaay too early to be thinking of hairstyles. So removing the hassle means I'll be taking a risk to do something nice for Daughter at the same time creating the possibility of hurting Aunt's feelings. The first thought that popped into my mind was that I'd wear it if Daughter didn't but everyone from my Cousin to the strangers on the internet seems to think that plan unwise.
I already know that if I straight up ask my daughter if she wants me to get it for her that she'll still say no because she hates being made a fuss over. It would probably be better for her if this WAS a hurriedly planned wedding because then it would just be one day out of her life and it would be over and done with. But it's going to be nearly two years once everything is said and done.
With your added info, I think you could say something like, "Daughter, you know Great Aunt has that tiara. I know you are too busy to hassle with it, but I would be more than happy to handle getting it loaned to you. It would look beautiful on you, and I know Great Aunt would love to loan it to you for your big day." And if she says no thanks after that, I think you need to let the tiara go and respect her decision.
BTW, I think I get where you are coming from a bit. You have access to this fabulous and amazing accessory - a real diamond tiara! I don't think I know anybody IRL with one. And there are so few occasions where you can wear it, weddings be the most obvious one. So I totally get that you would love to see your daughter wear this amazing piece on her special day.
But she may not give two poots about wearing it, and I think you need to respect that. The idea of wearing $20,000 on her head may cause her a lot of anxiety. She may not want to deal with the thought of it being damaged or even stolen. That would surely cast a HUGE pall over the wedding day.
DQM are the people in real life who are telling you not to wear it actually seen the "tiara"? I ask because if you had written this thread as a diamond headband I bet there would not have been such strong push back. What you are talking about is a headband which seems perfectly fine (although I think 40+ year olds look silly in head band but exponentially less stupid than how she would look in a tiara).
Then DQM unless in your neck of the woods weddings are very simple and plain affairs I cannot imagine a single strand of diamonds on someone's head would even get a notice, let alone outshine the bride. So I change my response to go for it if that is what you want to do, but hell I cannot imagine going through the insurance hassle for a simple bit of diamonds in your hair. Frankly, I think most of us were caught up on the word tiara so we were thinking crown beauty pageant, princess, and thought you would look pretty darned foolish. I will say I went to a wedding where the bride had on a spectacular diamond necklace, 30 carats, that she borrowed and that was something, but even if a guest had worn it it would not outshine the bride.
-- Edited by Forty-two on Thursday 23rd of May 2013 10:26:14 PM
-- Edited by Forty-two on Thursday 23rd of May 2013 10:33:01 PM
My daughter is the type of person that if you ~ask~ her if she wants you to go through any type of hassle for her she will say no. However if you don't ask her and you just do something nice for her she will appreciate your thoughtfulness. She's been that way her entire life and trust me it wouldn't change if it was something worth $20 or $20 million. The cost doesn't matter to her it's just her personality. So asking her if she wants me to get it for her is a guaranteed no. Getting it for her without asking if she wants me to is pretty much a yes. It wouldn't matter if it was a handkerchief or a car except a handkerchief she would probably appreciate more because she could actually use it.
For a few years when she was growing up we'd ask her 'what do you want for your birthday?' and she'd say 'nothing'
So we'd do -nothing- for her birthday. We've done nothing for her birthday three times (not in a row) because that's what she said she wanted. But there have been times when even when rather than ask her what she wanted we just did something nice for her and she was happy.
We tested this out over the span of her childhood to see if she was happy with us doing nothing and she was. We also tested to see if she was happy with us doing whatever made us happy to make her happy. She was happy with that too as long as we didn't ask her 'do you want a party and then she said no and we threw her a party anyway. If we didn't ask her if she wanted a party and we just threw her one because we wanted her to be happy; she was happy. So while your advice might be good for someone with a personality like yours I already know it wouldn't work on my daughter.
She's only ok with people doing nice things for her if they don't ask if she wans them to do said -nice thing- in advance. She thinks they wouldn't have done it if she hadn't asked them to; which isn't true but I already know you can't convince her of that and I'm not going to waste my time trying.
Basically she'll say -- If you really wanted to get it for me you wouldn't need to ask me if I want you to get it. Because my wanting you to get it for me isn't the same as you wanting you to get it for me.
You get it?
@ 42
There's only one person (not people) IRL who said not to wear it and that's my cousin. Yes she's seen it, she is in charge of it. I don't think she's saying don't wear it because it will look silly. She's worn it herself and we're the same age. She's the one who wore it to the opera.
Her stated reason was because I'll over shadow the bride on her wedding day but I suspect that the real reason is because she knows that Aunt wants the tiara to get used and there aren't that many people borrowing it. My cousin has one brother who is unmarried and has no kids. My cousin herself has one child who is a teenager.
I think that Cousin is afraid that Aunt might leave the tiara to my mother (her niece) rather than herself (Aunts grand niece) if Aunt sees that it will get plenty of use by my mother's decendents.
I don't have any such illusion/delusion.
Our borrowing it isn't going to affect anything.
Anyway, I googled diamond tiara headband to see if I could find a picture that more closely resembles the one 'we' have and I found this one.
'Ours' isn't three strands it's just one. And the diamonds aren't straight across like in this picture, they're placed more like the top of the tiara in the first picture. But it is still considered a tiara.
Then DQM unless in your neck of the woods weddings are very simple and plain affairs I cannot imagine a single strand of diamonds on someone's head would even get a notice, let alone outshine the bride. So I change my response to go for it if that is what you want to do, but hell I cannot imagine going through the insurance hassle for a simple bit of diamonds in your hair. Frankly, I think most of us were caught up on the word tiara so we were thinking crown beauty pageant, princess, and thought you would look pretty darned foolish. I will say I went to a wedding where the bride had on a spectacular diamond necklace, 30 carats, that she borrowed and that was something, but even if a guest had worn it it would not outshine the bride.
The bold is my daughter's pov as well.
While it would be nice to wear diamonds in her hair if someone handed them to her, it's not anything that she would go out of her way to arrange for herself and it's not something that she would ask someone else to arrange for her either. It's just not up there on her list of priorities.
I don't mind getting it for her. I think it's all of two or three papers to sign and then arrange for shipping. As I said before, Cousin's precautions are very reasonable. They're in place so someone doesn't walk off with it.
If I arrange to get the tiara for her there's probably a 1% chance that she won't wear it. Unwilling to even take a 1% chance of hurting Aunt's feelings I decided I'd wear it myself if Daughter said no.
I'm not afraid of looking silly -it's quite pretty-, being judged -by whom?- or outshining the bride -not possible-. The only thing I'm afraid of is insulting my Great Aunt by borrowing it and then sending it back unused.
Maybe I misread but I thought the aunt was not even coming to the wedding how would she know? And that seems like a really silly thing for her feelings to get hurt about.
DQM, my apologies for assuming the bride was pregnant. I was confused by the comment of "But I do pity her a little because I can understand her not wanting to go dress shopping while she was pregnant."
I think the main reason against not wearing a diamond tiara/headband is because it is something that is more appropriate for formal events with a long formal gown, typically held in the evening. As the wedding plans have not been made, then you don't yet if it would even be appropriate for ANYone to wear it yet. There are a number of things that determine the formality; the type of venue, time of day, type of meal, type of reception planned, formality/quality/wording of the invitations, how the bride, groom, and attendants will be dressed, etc....
After the additional information of the item being a single strand of diamonds, it "might" be ok for you to wear it if it's a formal event to which you are wearing a formal gown, and the bride, groom, and wedding attendants are all formally dressed, and what kind of hairstyle and hair accessories the bride prefers. It would look out of place if they are dressed casually, and you are dressed formally in a long gown with a diamond tiara/headband.
I would just wait until further along in the planning process so you can determine the formality of the event, and see what kind of dress/attire/hair accessories the bride might like.
you're getting it even though she said no? And I was all- 
yeah, I'll wear it if she doesn't want to. And Cousin was like 
are you sure about that. And I was like
