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OpheliaDev1


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Dear Amy: I've been in a long-distance relationship for a little over a year now. Things are pretty good, with the exception of one small problem. I want my boyfriend to change his status on Facebook from "single" to either "in a relationship" or simply listing no status.

He claims that he wants his privacy. He says that Facebook isn't real life.

I think part of the problem may be that we dated in college and I dumped him but he told his friends that he dumped me, and now he doesn't want to admit publicly that he's dating me. My boyfriend claims that he's told his friends and his family about us and it really is just about maintaining privacy on the Internet.

Am I being unreasonable? — Long-Distance Gal

Dear Gal: Let's sidestep the question about how reasonable you are being and focus on the magnitude of your problem. It's petty.

As long as you and your guy define your current relationship in terms of who dumped whom the last time you broke up, you will continue to barter about his Facebook status.

Imagine that you don't care about his social network status. And then don't care.

 

I think the LW is pretty immature, especially with that whole, "I dumped him but he told his friends he dumped me!" bs. But....being immature doesn't make her wrong. If he had not status indicated and she was harping on him to change it to "in a relationship", then I'd be 100% on his side...but him insisting on remaining "single" on Facebook does make me suspicious. I'm assuming he's actually active on Facebook.



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Plebian_Angel


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I think if she feels she is his dirty little secret, they aren't really in a relationship.

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EmmDee


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I agree, either remove the status completely or change it. DF and I were talking about his exwife, she never once changed her fb status to married despite being active on facebook. She also did not want him to tag her in any photos. I have an exBF that didn't want it to come out to his traditional Muslim community that he was dating so I was virtually no where on his facebook. If he wants to stay private, ok, but at least remove the single status.

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EmmDee


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Plebian_Angel wrote:

I think if she feels she is his dirty little secret, they aren't really in a relationship.

 That is exactly how I felt with exBF.  He never quite understood why that was a deal breaker with me.  We saw each other almost every day but I still felt hidden and that was not ok with me. 



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Plebian_Angel


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I've had one relationship where we agreed to keep it secret, but it was complicated, but once we were sure of things, we came out.
I don't know. If I'm in a relationship, my friends and family are going to know. If you want to keep me hidden, there's a huge red flag there!

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EmmDee


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I agree, with the ex, his family knew, it was the rest of the community who didn't. Everyone on my side knew. He was just too traditional in his culture that he believed I would be ok with waiting until we were engaged and I was introduced to the community. His first marriage was an arranged marriage and he didn't quite understand why that aspect didn't work for me. I needed to feel like I would fit in and be accepted in his community before getting engaged.

Anywhoooo....yeah, I think it is a red flag for the LW

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Cactus


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The claim of wanting his online privacy doesn't explain why his fb status is "single" rather than having no status listed-it certainly doesn't explain why he apparently insists on it remaining that way.

You never know, but the fb status coupled with the fact that it's a long distance relationship, all the BS about who dumped whom and he possibly not wanting to "admit" that they are dating, the fact that she is suspicious about all this to begin with...whether he is seeing other people or ashamed of his relationship or both or neither, this does not sound very appealing or promising.

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tigerlily


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I agree with Cactus. If he was really interested in privacy, he'd leave it with no status at all.

I think if someone is active on facebook and shares anything at all about their lives, it's reasonable to expect them to update their status for a year long relationship.

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RichardInTN


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I hate to "rat" on my gender... but... he's "gettin some local" (or at least TRYING to... no guarantee of his success rate). If one is in a relationship of any kind, there's only one reason to "advertise" (and yes, posting it on facebook IS "advertising") being single... and that's to be perceived as single when it comes time to "hook up".



-- Edited by RichardInTN on Thursday 16th of May 2013 07:20:59 PM

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winds55


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I don't think that practice is limited to men, Richard.

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Papa Bear


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If he wants to list it as "Single," she should support that. In particular, she should make it an accurate Facebook status.

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winds55


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excellent advice, bear.

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