Invisapeeps 2.0

Right now one of the things that 'hurts' the most.  More like 'stings' at the injustice of it is:

 

I'm getting a beat down over charitable giving.

I know right. 

I was involved in a Christmas drive for single parents.  It turned out to only be single mothers as there were no single fathers to give to.  It wasn't meant to be just for women that's just the way it turned out.

So we gave to the single mothers and one lady asked why her sister hadn't received.  And the truthful answer is she didn't receive because she's not a single parent.

Now, the definition of single parent is being hotly debated and I'm falling on the 'wrong' side of the line because apparently I'm a snob and I'm selfish.

 

Uh, yeah NO.  I am not a snob.  I am so much the opposite of snob that I'm the antonym of snob.

This lady's sister isn't married to her children's father but they both are raising them.  How the hell is she a single mother?!  I"ll tell you how.  She's not; that's how.

Being an unmarried (/divorced if you are co-parenting) parent is not the same thing as being a single parent. 

I don't see how anybody can be confused about that but yeah.  And the people with stable long term marriages are being attacked over this?

Heck, even some single mothers are saying that they have to parent 100% by themselves and that's what makes them a single parent as opposed to someone who has her kids every other week.  To these women I want to scream "THANK YOU"  because if we went by the other logic we would have been giving to the fathers that abandoned their children.  Hey, technically they're single parents too right? 

To the other women I feel like saying ...  yeah I just wrote it out and not only can I not say that to them in person but I can't even write it out in my vent.

Anyway... let the debate rage on.  I happen to enjoy a good debate but I can't engage. 

Welcome back!

I can understand the issue with "Wisdom" Teeth (who was the genius that came up with that name anyway???). My parents had mine surgically extracted when I was 12 because x-rays showed they'd be nothing but problems.

I hope you can get them out soon!

RichardInTN wrote:

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I can understand the issue with "Wisdom" Teeth (who was the genius that came up with that name anyway???). My parents had mine surgically extracted when I was 12 because x-rays showed they'd be nothing but problems.

I hope you can get them out soon!

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 They are called wisdom teeth because you get them as a near-adult, so they come when you get your wisdom.  Dumb, I know.  Three of mine came in fine, but the last one was slanted and caused a lot of pain.  Recovery was pretty easy for me, though.

That sounds incredibly painful! Creepy confession: I kept my wisdom teeth after they were removed. I'm not sure why.

My daughter is getting married next year.

I'm not paying for her wedding.  I don't want to and she doesn't want me to so we are good with that.  However, her father is not entirely good with that.  He wants the party to be up to a certain...  I'm not trying to say standard because that's not what I mean.  But what I'm trying to say is that people are coming from long distances to attend her wedding and he wants the hospitality to ...

I'm having a really hard time finding the right words so I'll just say it in so many words and then correct it later if it comes out wrong.  He wants the guests to be hosted in a way that reflects appreciation for the effort that they put forth to attend.

I'm happy with that explanation.

The problem is the effort that some people are putting forth to attend is MUCH greater than the effort that other people are putting forth to attend.  By that I mean:

The groom's family all live in the same town.  Both his mother's side and his father's side of the family all live in one small town.

Bride's family not so.  Bride's mother has relatives coming in from Colorodo, Southern California, Texas, and Arizona.  Bride's father has family coming from Southern California as well, also Alaska, and Oregon.  Plus none of the Bride's local family or friends live in the town where the groom's family lives.  We only live about 70 miles away but every single one of her guests is coming in from out of town and not one of his guests is coming in from out of town.

I'm going to say right now that I realize this does not have to be a problem.  I fully concede that point.  It's only a problem if we make it a problem.

But of course it has somehow become a petty problem because that's what I'm writing about.  My petty problems.

In my defense I thought I was doing a nice thing when I started this

I offered to host the wedding at a 'neutral' location.

I am so not trying to take over.  I'm not offering to pay for the wedding.  I'm not telling my daughter what to do.  I was merely offering comfortable affordable accommodations for everyone and a lovely place to hold the ceremony.  Plus, if we have it at the resort we can spread the party over the long holiday weekend rather than have people fly in from Alaska only to stay in a hotel for more money than it would cost for us to host them.  My husband is pleased with this arrangement. 

We arranged it so that everyone will arrive on Friday afternoon and do a girl's night/guy's night... whatever the kids want to do just get there and relax and have fun.

Then Saturday we'll have the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner and any last day details.

Then Sunday a brunch (this is not going to be a traditional wedding), the ceremony and the reception.

Then Monday (Labor Day) everyone will pack up and depart by that afternoon with no problems getting home in time for work or school on Tuesday.

In my mind it was perfect.  I offered and the kids accepted.  To me it seemed that it would be so much less stressful to have 4 days to do everything and enjoy each other's company rather than just one day. 

I was wrong.  The groom's parents very strongly feel that it should be a one day event held in their home town.  They said that if we do have it at the Lake they will come but they refuse to stay at the resort with us.  They rented a condo at another resort. (?!?!?)  The reason they gave is because my Club doesn't allow dogs.  But keep in mind they did this with 9+months to find a dog sitter so I have a hard time with that explanation.  They also said that they are getting their relatives to say at the place they are staying rather than join us at our Club.

I'm not a mind reader but it feels to me like they are trying to remove the convenience of having everyone at one comfortable location so that the kids will change their mind and have the wedding in their home town since everyone will be spread out anyway.

But unfortunately they've had their engagement party were they announced the dates and location so some people already took the time off to attend those four days. I told my daughter (this may have been mean of me and I will apologize and change my mind if it causes her too much stress) that we extended the invitation and people have already accepted so I'm still hosting a party that weekend.  I told her if she changes her mind about the location and has her party in the town where she lives she will need to change her date as well. 

I also told her that I was giving some stays in the condo's away in exchange for people who are working.  Meaning that her photographer is free if she has her party at the Lake courtesy of the friend who photographed her last party.  Her cake is free if she has it at the Lake courtesy of her cousin although her cousin will do it for free no matter when or where she has it but her cousin has asked her to have it at the Lake so that she can make the cake on Saturday and not have to travel with it.  Her DJ will be half price if she has it at the Lake courtesy of my brother but he will be full price if she has it in her home town. 

So even though I'm not paying for her wedding I'm offering to add thousands of dollars of value to her wedding.  The only thing is if she accepts it she feels that she will be going against her in-laws.  I feel sorry for her because I can see how she is being pushed by her parents to put on a bigger party.  And I can see how she is being pushed by her in-laws to put on a smaller (ironically more expensive) party that is less work for their side of the family but not any more comfortable for her side of the family.

I already know I'm going to "win" this.

I didn't offer to start a fight or for there to be a winning side or losing side.

I offered to be nice.

I don't understand their reluctance to accept our hospitality and stay at our resort.  We had a weekend long party last year and the same thing happened.

Bride's side of the family traveled from as far away as Southern California to Oregon to celebrate with us.  Not one person from the groom's side of the family stayed the weekend.  They drove up for part of one day and  iirc there were about 60 people at the party and only 6-8 of them were the groom's friends and family.

wow!  I'm not sure I realized that until just now or had I forgotten.

I've been married so long that it's been forever since we've even thought in terms of his side/her side.  To use everyone is just family but I'm definitely feeling this 'us against them' vibe going on and it's so petty and sad.

 

 

 

 

 

No, you didn't offer to be nice. You offered to make everything fit your (or the father's (your husband?)) idea of what the wedding SHOULD be. You pull the same **** all the time; the groom's family is just smart enough not to fall for it.

Why the hell do you talk in such circles, anyways? Are you that afraid you'll see yourself for how small and petty you actually are if you use "I" and "mine" instread of 'bride's' whatever?

Please dont quote me wrote:

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Oh drama yipeee! Drama that I can actually engage in! You have no idea how happy that makes me.

But it'll have to wait as I'm not done whining yet and I have no time right now to finish my little pity party. Too much stuff to do to get ready for a real party. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have time to play with the invisible people. Believe it or not it makes me feel good that you read that whole thing because I didn't even read it LMAO! Yeah no, that's too much whining for me and they're ~my~ problems. You are a friggin trooper winds.

So I've whined about being irritated by my friends, I've whined about being dumb with my money, I've whined about my teeth hurting and I've whined about my daughter's wedding problems. What's left to complain about?

You guessed it. Next episode: problems in the bedroom.

Tune in next time for the boring details about what's not going on behind closed doors.

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 Must suck to be you.  Probably sucks more to know you in real life.

Please dont quote me wrote:

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Can someone please award winds a gold star for getting the point of the thread.

Yes, it does suck to be me. That's the theme of this whole "woe is me" rambly rant.

And yes it sucks to know me too. Ask anybody. I'm a total snob who looks down on single mothers because I have a husband. I also sometimes make dumb decisions that lead to painful consequences and I have in-law problems.

I was gonna talk about my sex life problems as well but ...

Well we can forget about that LOL!

After last night it would be criminal to complain.
And it's funny how everything else seems not so bad hahahahaaha!

Anyway Happy New Year everyone. I'm sure I'll be back to bore you with my problems again soon but not today.

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 oh yippee

Might I suggest a few outlets for the OP?


Start a blog (you can start with the posts you have on this thread)

Keep an online diary (create a Word or other document)

Seek out the services of a licensed therapist (or minister/clergy, etc, depending on your belief), who may be able to assist you in sorting out your feelings)

I'll never understand how people who you thought were considered a friend can be so cruel. Never.
I've put myself out there completely since I've left *my husband, I'm no longer closed and shut off but open and inviting. I've made some amazing friends and I guess some enemies for whatever reasons.
But I've been treated like **** too. Especially lately. I'm not sure why and I'm not sure what I've done to deserve it. All I have to say is grow the **** up. I'm sorry for the language but really I'm done being nice. If I've offended you in any way or have pissed you off grow up and talk to me like civilized adults do. Quit this high school bull ****. I'm done.
Be real with me that's all I ask. Don't be petty. I'm this close to just quitting. Period.
Thanks. Have a good night.

Trust me if I had a personal blog and posted this as an example of petty drama in my life it would cause a sh!t storm.  It's clear that her feelings are hurt.  I wouldn't do that.  That would be cruel as she implies.  So totally not my style.  The best thing is for her to have her say and for everyone else to remain silent.  I could point out that just because she left her husband that doesn't make her a single parent.  They are in fact co-parents.  But what would that solve?  Nothing.  So I'm not going to do that.

I'd be seen as stirring the pot.  So I anonymously vent.  I'm pretty sure she's not talking about me when she says she's been treated like sh!t.  That's about something else.  The "Especially lately." part is referring to the incident her sister started.

So yeah I could start an anonymous blog but how is that different from here?

I suppose I could speak to a therapist or something but what would they tell me?  At worst they'd probably say:

Get over yourself or This is not a real problem.  There are people with real problem that I could be helping right now so go away.

At best perhaps they'd say:

Just have a drink and take a deep breath.  I know it sucks to spend so much time working on a project to have it received so poorly in the end.

That would be nice advice to receive except for the part about having a drink.  I'm not much of a drinker.   I can't imagine that they would say anything else so I'm ignoring it until it blows over.  I can't imagine what they would say about my teeth.  Maybe, suck it up buttercup?  or  Take some Tylenol?

That's what I would say if someone told me they'd spent their surgery money.

winds55 wrote:

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Perhaps a therapist would give you some life skills to help you learn empathy, and caring, and get you to see how things affect others, and that the world does not revolve around you.

You may not drink, but I'm sure you drive plenty of others to it when they can't escape you. 

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This type of comment is a personal attack and is against the rules. Please consider this your official warning on this matter and discontinue comments of this nature.

Please dont quote me wrote:

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Since I don't own any slaves I can't think of a scenario where a person wouldn't be able to 'escape' me. And if they want to drink; more power to them. It might be healthy for them to take a drink. What do I care?

I find it rather humorous that you would suggest empathy for another person's feelings.

My solution to being maligned unfairly was to vent anonymously. I most certainly could have joined the fray and jumped on that poor girl. Especially since I was in the right. I suppose I could be empathetic like you and tell her that the world doesn't revolve around her. Clearly, you and I have different styles.

I'll take my method of pretty much leaving people alone when they post that they are in pain over your:

Whatever the hell your problem is- any day of the weekand and twice on Sunday.

I've read this entire thread again and I've come to the conclusion that one of us is in pain and the other is miserable.

In case you're confused; I'm the one in pain. And after meeting you I'm happy about it. Yes, it may suck to be me but I don't even want to imagine what it's like to be you.

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 YOU think you're in the right.  Obviously others disagreed with you, or it wouldn't have been as big an issue as it was.  And calling me miserable is also a personal attack.  I'm not going to bother reporting you, though. 

Well winds, I was gonna' assure you that I did not report you. I wouldn't report you because I don't want you to get banned. I enjoy laughing at you way too much to try to get you booted.

You're making a spectacular ass of yourself but unlike the people in my real life who are making asses of themselves that I can't say anything to or about; I can point out just how dumb you are making yourself look.

I didn't make the rules of the charity. I simply helped raise/distribute funds and organize activities.   Attacking me over the definition of what is or is not a single parent doesn't make me look bad. Doesn't make me a snob. Doesn't demean my marriage. Doesn't do anything but encourage me to move my efforts to a more emotionally gratifying way to help people.

However, you are right.   It is obvious that some people disagreed with the (correct) definition of what a single parent is but it was only a big issue because they made it a big issue.  I didn't say a word about it expect for in November's committee meeting when asked what I had heard and here anonymously.  Btw everyone in the meeting (i.e. the people doing ALL THE WORK) agree that she does not fit the definition of a single parent as set forth by that charity.  Her ex husband is a member of the Men's Ministry that is taking over the charity in 2014 and he also agrees that she is not a single parent.  He co parents his kids.  He has them every other week.

One reply per attack? Because I think I still have a few more to go LOL!

Escalation won't happen. I'll take particular care to only let her know what an ass she is when she behaves like one.

Unfortunately...

Unprovoked?

That's a joke right?

Have you missed every post she's made in this thread? She gets to call me 1. small and petty, say 2. I suck and drive people to drink, and say 3. I need therapy. But then I call her an ass and it's unprovoked.

It wasn't unprovoked. Delayed maybe. I'll give you that.

If I wanted to be equal with her I'm still lagging.

Winds, you're pathetic. That's about par with small and petty right?

Since we're striving for equality here it's only fair to inform you that you also suck. I would return the insult and tell you that you drive people to drink but I doubt that anyone notices you except to laugh at you. Not really drink inducing but certainly entertaining.

Ok now I think we're even.

Meh, you're probably right. I'd have to put alot more effort into it than I'm willing to at the moment. Maybe later.

No sweetie, actually I didn't have excuses for why it wouldn't work. I actually pointed out how it would work and how it was already working.

The suggestions were blogging which I'm doing here.
Journaling which is basically the same thing as blogging.
And talking to a therapist or clergy member.

I had already talked to clergy members about the problem in the November commitee meeting. I wasn't going to say anything about the issue but they specifically asked and I told the truth. The result of that meeting will be announced day after tomorrow.

The conclusion?

Exactly what I said up above.

Why would I feel like I need an excuse for not being wrong when I get attacked for no damn reason?
I don't. It's not really my problem. It's simply a reflection of how the person attacking me feels about themself.
I could point out how foolish they are or I could leave them to their own toxic bitterness.

Hating on me doesn't improve their situation one bit. It just illustrates how sad they are.

I can reread it. I'd evn quote it if that feature worked on this device. What I said the therapist would say... was because that's pretty much the advice our 'counselor' gave us.

Take a deep breath and relax about it. Have a glass of wine. Realize that this not a real problem. Move on.

I could go to a therapist and have them tell me the same thing but why would I?

I took the deep breath, skipped the wine though. Realize it's not my problem and I've moved on. I'm going to go to therapy for a problem that's not really a problem?

And before you ask why I'm writing about it if it's not a problem is because the 'move on' portion of the advice didn't happen until after I wrote this and won't even be official until Monday.

But since you're so dead set on proving me wrong feel free to point out how charity intended for single parents should go to people that are co-parenting when one of the parents specifically states that they are not single parents.

For bonus points explain how insulting the marriages of the people doing all the work to maintain the charity helps at all.

Give me some insight on how being a b!tch to somebody for no reason seems like such a good idea.

Please dont quote me wrote:

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I'm not the only one who runs this charity so it's not about me or my personality or communication style or anything specifically to do with me.

I'm not even the person who took the majority of the abuse. The woman who's husband took over is the one who was attacked the most. I'm actually friends with the woman in the middle of it all but not so much with her sister who is the one that started the crap.

Ironically her sister is familiar with the compassion ministry (what we call the charity) because she has benefitted from it.

She knew exactly how to be the most hurtful to Loli (woman who's husband took over) because Loli had been so kind to her and open with her in the past.

Some people are just toxic. You know the type right? The kind of person who when you tell them sensative information about yourself their first reaction is to try to use that info to put you down or make you out to be the bad guy. Don't you just hate small minded little trolls like that? It's sad that my friend's sister is one of those people and it's sad that my friend's sister is hurting my other friend. Because so many of the people involved are friends with each other that makes it even more sad.

-- Edited by Please dont quote me on Saturday 4th of January 2014 06:37:59 PM

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Who should or should not get whatever 'charity' you're involved in is not the only thing a therapist could help you with.  Nor is it the only thing you insist you're right on, and others disagree. 

And I'd be reconsidering who my friends were if they let toxic people attack me or my other friends.  But I suppose your definition of friend could be different than mine.

Please dont quote me wrote:

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I'm still waiting for your explanation of why I'm wrong. All I'm getting from you is that I'm wrong because there are people that think I am.

???
Is it not possible that the sister/troll doesn't really believe what she's saying and that's why she can't back it up with any real reasons? It's entirely possible that the sister/troll is just a b!tch that enjoys attacking people.

There are people like that you know. You run across them all the time. It's like they're everywhere.

Btw, I'm not friends with the person who attacked Loli. I'm friends with the main attacker's sister who has also been very hurt by the entire episode.

Just because I disagree with her doesn't mean we can't be friends.

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 What I've said is just because YOU say you're not wrong doesn't mean you're not.  I have no way of knowing who, if anyone, is wrong.  I only have your convoluted side of the story.  And no, in my life, toxic people are NOT everywhere. 

A person can be petty and small without being 'wrong' in one situation. And I don't believe for one minute you've been laughing at me. You've spent too much energy trying to defend yourself.  And I never said I don't recognize people that are toxic; I stated that in my life, they are not everywhere.  Big difference. 

-- Edited by winds55 on Saturday 4th of January 2014 08:31:22 PM