DEAR AMY: Every fall, my sister, cousins and a cousin's sister-in-law have a weekend shopping excursion in our home city.
We stay in a hotel, treat ourselves, shop for our children and go out for lunches and dinners. It is a great time to reconnect.
We do not invite my sister "Wendy." She is offended to the point of tears when she finds we have not invited her. My two sisters and I are close in age, but Wendy hasn't been as close to this set of cousins as my other sister and I have been through the years.
We are all married stay-at-home moms. Wendy is a divorced, working mom with one young child.
We do not include her for several reasons. We know she doesn't have much money for such an outing. She also does not have many of the same interests as we do. Her life is different from ours. We're not interested in what she has to talk about. She complains too much about her aches and pains, and claims to have some kind of neurological disease that some of us feel is more psychosomatic than real.
She also complains about her ex-husband who left her for another woman, but everyone knows it takes "two to tango" and she is not without fault.
We're all very active churchgoers, while she only sporadically attends services.
Plain and simple, she does not really fit in with us anymore.
She takes it personally, and last year she even came over to my home unannounced crying about it, which upset my children and caused my husband to threaten to call the police if she did not leave.
Now she barely speaks to me and has told our relatives that I am a horrible person (even though I've helped her).
How can we get her to understand that she should perhaps find another set of friends whose lives and interests align more closely with hers?
Sad Sister
DEAR SAD: First, let's establish that I agree with your sister: You are a horrible person.
Obviously, you can do whatever you want and associate with -- or exclude -- whomever you want, but you don't get to do this and also blame the person you are excluding for not "fitting in."
The only way your sister would ever fit in would be for you to make room for her. You are unwilling to do that, and that is your choice. But her being upset is completely justified, and you'll just have to live with that.
Perhaps this is something you could ponder from your church pew; despite your regular attendance, you don't seem to have learned much.
One reviewer thought that the excluded sister actually wrote the letter. I tend to agree.
I see a lot of things that make me sympathize more with the supposed LW than with Wendy.
1) Wendy doesn't have much disposable income. How fun would a day of shopping and pampering be with somebody who can't afford it?
2) Her disease might make it difficult for her to keep up on an active day of walking around and shopping.
3) The LW's husband threatened to call the police. Normal people don't do that in a normal situation. So either the husband is a jerk, or Wendy was totally out of control.
It sounds like the LW is looking for excuses to exclude her sister and perhaps there is some validity to her feelings. However, I agree w/Amy that they could find activity where she could fit, assuming they want contact with her, but it appears that they do not.
That's another question I have. If LW and Cousins regularly do stuff and don't invite Wendy, that's mean and cruel. But if they invite Wendy to other things and just not this particular thing, then maybe not.
I think it would come across better without all the excuses. Trying to sound like it's for her own good or something with all that about her having no money, different interests comes across badly to me. It also seems judgmental to talk about how she doesn't go to church and imply she was responsible for her husband's cheating. If she just said she was annoying, or something, it would be more convincing. Interesting idea that the excluded sister wrote the letter.
I regularly do things with Mom, Twin, Little Sis and Cousin....not too long ago we took a four day road trip together.
Twin doesn't have a lot of disposable income but that doesn't stop us from including her. We plan our girls' trips far enough in advance that she can put a little bit aside to have for spending money. Little Sis and I quite regularly pay a bit more than an equal share of our group costs (meals, hotels & gas). Mom always treats us to one meal when we are on a road trip. We don't make a big deal out of doing this...we want Twin to have a good time, too, and this is how we make it happen.
IMHO, the LW and her cronies are just being mean to Wendy. They *could* make it work and be sure that Wendy had a good time if they *really* wanted to.
Devil's Advocate a bit here - maybe they don't want to have to "make it work". I mean, Wendy IS an adult, and it's not really everybody else's job to "make it work" for her. And on a day of shopping and pampering, that might get pretty expensive. For example, I would be willing to treat my sister to a meal, but would I be willing or able to treat her to a meal, a manicure and some new clothes? Maybe not.
Well, truth be told, I wouldn't treat my sister to a meal, a manicure and new clothes either. But I would make plans for activities that she could join in and, if I had to toss in a few extra dollars, so be it.
Don't get me wrong...I'm no saint. I sometimes get tired of tailoring our "girls' time" to what she can afford (or what I'm willing to help pay for) and, frankly, 90% of the drama comes from Twin so it would be to the benefit of our good time to exclude her.
But, for better or worse, when Mom says she wants to spend time with "the girls", Twin is part of that group. I make it work (and keep my mouth shut about how I feel about it) because that's how my family works.
YMMV...obviously, LW's does and I think Wendy is probably much better off not spending time with toxic people who think they are superior to her anyway.
Devil's Advocate a bit here - maybe they don't want to have to "make it work". I mean, Wendy IS an adult, and it's not really everybody else's job to "make it work" for her. And on a day of shopping and pampering, that might get pretty expensive. For example, I would be willing to treat my sister to a meal, but would I be willing or able to treat her to a meal, a manicure and some new clothes? Maybe not.
I could understand this, but piling on the excuses just makes it sound worse IMO. She doesn't need to provide so many reasons, or to try to make it sound like the sister wouldn't enjoy it anyway like it's for her own good etc. I guess this is a case of, you don't have to explain everything so much and if you do your explanation might make things worse.
That's why I think the LW is actually Wendy. The LW's excuses are just so ridiculously lame, and I think people generally present themselves in a better light.
And the whole "calling the police" thing really makes me look at the letter sideways. Normal people don't threaten to call the police b/c their crying sister in law shows up. So either a) the husband is just a hateful and cruel person or b) Wendy was totally out of control. Or maybe c) Wendy had done this before and Sister had enough?
that part of the letter was just really weird to me.
