I personally haven't spoken to Cousin since she moved out. Mom has spoken to her briefly a few times, and of course there have been several calls that Cousin hasn't bothered to return. (Not from me, I'm not calling her.) Thank GOD Cousin didn't take Mom up on her offer for her dog to live with us. I've been very vocal about how happy I am about that.
One of my sister's co-workers lives in the same apt complex and Cousin, and Sister warned her about CS's behavior. So it's possible I might get a little dirt to dish that way!
This weekend, mom is staying with a friend of hers who is having surgery. She tells me this morning that Cousin asked her her to keep Dog. I am already keeping Mom's friends dogs. Plus our 4 and 2 cats. one cat (mine) gets twice-daily meds, 3 of our dogs get twice daily meds, and one of the friend's dogs gets twice daily meds plus twice daily eye drops. It'd not a huge deal, but it's more complicated that throwing food in a bowl and heading to work.
Mom: Cousin asked me to keep her dog. She can stay with me at Friend's house.
Me: (reluctantly) I guess I can keep her. Where's Cousin going?
Mom: Does it matter if she's working or if she's on vacation.
Me: Yes. It does matter.
Mom: Well, I can take her with me. Friend says it's fine.
Me: Okay.
So I'm not keeping Cousin's dog. Yay!
I think I just need to sit down with mom and say, "Okay, I live with you and if you decide you want to take care of Cousin's dog, then I know I don't get a say. But I want you to know that I never want to take care of Cousin's dog and I will never be happy about it."
Here's a laugh - yesterday cousin's dog peed twice in both Cousin and CS's bed. Tee hee!
Cousin needs to stop going to trips and her her dog in doggie daycare.
Yeah, I'm afraid of that. What I think is very possible is that she will pick up the dog for "fun time" - like weekends she isn't working and has her son - and then leave the dog with us when she has weekends without her son.
Also yes, your mom can decide to keep cousin's dog but it is still up to your mother to care for the dog. If the dog is at the house, do not take care of the dog. Make your mother do it. When it becomes enough of a problem for your mother than maybe she will stand up for herself.
So, Cousin dropped her dog off early. And mom decided to stay with her friend at the hospital. So guess who is by default careing for Cousin's god d@mn dog? Me.
No, don't ****ing do it. Tell your mom she better either get back here and take care of the dog or tell Cousin she better get back here and take care of the dog, but you are not doing it. Point blank. Then don't do it.
BA, you're probably right. But mom's friend just had major surgery and mom wanted to stay with her at the hospital. So, I'm making an exception, but I'm going to sit mom down and tell her that's it.
I understand where you are coming from, but Cousin does not seem to respect nor *understand* boundaries.
Often with people like that, you can't change them, but by changing you, they can not longer *play* the game. I agree tell mom and cousin you are no longer available to dog sit and stand strong
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BA, you're probably right. But mom's friend just had major surgery and mom wanted to stay with her at the hospital. So, I'm making an exception, but I'm going to sit mom down and tell her that's it.
This is what you have to do considering the circumstances, OD. Maybe cousin pulling the drop off early stunt will help your mom see her 'user ways' a bit more clearly.
BA, you're probably right. But mom's friend just had major surgery and mom wanted to stay with her at the hospital. So, I'm making an exception, but I'm going to sit mom down and tell her that's it.
I can see you are a loving and compassionate person and that is great. But sometimes you have to quell that and refuse to be stomped on. Your mother has made it clear she is not going to stand up to Cousin until it becomes her problem. She is making it your problem. Maybe when she has to let down a friend in need over Cousin's bad behavior she will wake up and smell the Cousin sucks coffee. Sorry but I have to throw this type of tough love on people all the time and I don't feel bad about it. There are consequences to your actions and this one is on your mother. She lets Cousin walk all over her and now she will have to either neglect the dog or let her friend down. Then for you, you let your mother get away with making you deal with Cousin's problems and so yeah, you are going to be stuck holding the ball every time as long as you let her get away with it.
Sorry but some of this is going on you that you let them get away with it. As long as you let them get away with it, they will keep doing it. It sucks it has to be that way, but it is. You are going to have to be the "bad guy" and stop bailing mom out of cousin's problems. Trust me, when it starts negatively effecting your Mom's life like her friend getting mad at her because she bailed on helping her to take care of Cousin's dog, then maybe she will start standing up to Cousin.
BA, all good points and I think there's a lot of truth in what you're saying. Another problem here is that I live with my parents, and Dad would lose his sh!t on me if I said I wasn't feeding Cousin's dog.
Mom is definitely an enabler and a martyr in some ways, and she really has (inadvertantly) trained me as her "support staff" in those roles. So my knee-jerk reaction is to just suck it up and handle it. Mom said she would pick up Cousin's dog today to stay with her at friend's house. If she doesn't, then I'll do it myself. It will actually be more hassle to drive the dog out there, but I think it will make my point.
I think Mom only sees that Cousin's actions aren't the dog's fault, and that's true. But that's why there are things like dog walkers and doggie day care.
Here's a yucky detail -
Cousin's dog is not a good eater, especially in hot weather. She will frequently not eat her meals. She is a boxer, so she is a large dog and gets a lot of food. She is fed a dry food, but we moisten it with a little water. So when she doesn't eat, Cousin doesn't just throw the food away - she puts this large bowl of food in the fridge (where it frequently fell out at our house and made a huge mess on the floor), or put the food in the oven or microwave (so the cats couldn't get to it) and it would make the whole kitchen smell like funky old wet dog food.
So, she drops off her dog and apparently the dog didn't eat breakfast at Cousin's house that morning, so she brings this bowl of moistened funky-smelling food and sticks in the cabinet. JUST THROW IT AWAY.
I'm not coaxing cousin's dog to eat. I'm not going to put bacon grease or canned dog food or cheese on it. If she doesn't eat it, I'm just throwing it away.
I would make the point to drive the dog out to her friend's house and drop it off. Even if it is more trouble because it makes it clear you are not taking care of your mother's problems that come from Cousin.
I also think you need to get out of that house. I am super close to my mother. But even I know living with her would not be a good idea.
You can do plenty of things to help your parents out in many ways but make it clear that you will not help in any form or fashion with anything related to Cousin. That means you are still being a good daughter and everything but you are setting a good boundary there.
-- Edited by Balloon Animal on Friday 6th of June 2014 01:24:42 PM
You are right about me needing to move out of my parents house. It's generally a pretty good situation - my mom and I are very close and we get along well - but I do think I need to do it for my personal growth. That's part of a process I'm beginning now (don't want to go into a lot of detail at this time).
I feel bad about it b/c Mom's friend is a wonderful woman and has done many kind things for Mom and for me, and this was serious surgery - the surgery itself is 3 hours, and she will have to limit her physical activity in certain ways for up to 6 months. So I feel very uncomfortable about choosing this time to "take a stand" but on the other hand I feel like Mom should have just said NO.
Your Mom put her friend out when she chose Cousin and her dog over her friend. The only proper response from your Mom would be "I have already agreed to help my friend, you will have to find another dog sitter." and then keep to that. If she is a freaking doctor and goes on vacations all the time she can afford to hire a dog sitter. Your Mom was not being a good friend to put a dog over her good friend who just had surgery. People come before dogs.
-- Edited by Balloon Animal on Friday 6th of June 2014 04:01:29 PM
In this case, I think that Cousin was supposed to drop off her dog today, and Mom would have been able to pick up the dog and take her to the friend's house. Which is a bit odd, b/c I am keeping the friend's dogs while she recovers. But one of Friend's dogs jumps on people and is very needy, while cousin's dog does not jump on people and is not clingy/needy.
I'm sure Cousin didn't think twice about dropping her dog off early, because people do that all the time. Seriously, we should open a kennel. We ended up keeping another dog for a year b/c her owner was serving in Iraq, and the owner's mom knew a friend of my mom's through church. We're crazy dog people. So I can't really blame Cousin for this because the clear message for years has been, "No problem! you know where the emergency key is - just drop her off."
Having a hard time clarifying this in my own head because cousin's dog isn't a lot of trouble. I think maybe it's very symbolic for me?
